One aspect of street harassment is that it seems to be most offensive, and therefore most pathological, when a male is harassing a female. Why is this, and what can be done about it? These questions raise the general issue of intergender power dynamics. I can say with confidence that my recent experience in the workplace (as a curriculum developer, then an editor for an international education-oriented publishing house) was actually one of female domination, at least on the level of middle management. Both of my bosses were female, their boss was female, and their boss’s boss was female. Above that level, yes, there were definitely men in power.
The reason why I mention this is, while I do agree that above the so-called “glass ceiling,” the world seems to be dominated by an old-boy club of (white) men, I must also confess from personal experience that women are much more powerful than men in myriad other ways, though these ways are much more subtle and often misleading. For healthy men—at least men such as myself—a good woman is a prize that only the worthy man may obtain. To quote the protagonist of the film Scarface, “In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.”
To an unhealthy male, attention from women can appear to be a very attractive source of power. Believe me, I’ve been there.
As a single young adult male, I can say with confidence that most guys who are anything like me don’t have a clue what to do when they see a beautiful woman walking down the street. And when I say “anything like me,” I mean without power. (I happen to be on a relatively powerless life trajectory at the moment, which is OK with me.) Such guys have no business seeking the attention of beautiful, intelligent women. That’s my opinion, but I believe it deeply.
Men, in general, want to “be something”—to make their mark. That’s good and perfect, and it’s what men should do. The problem is when we try to make the wrong kind of mark, on the wrong kind of canvas. And frankly, excellent women are, in my mind, analogous to canvases that should be touched only nicely, with smooth strokes, using proper brushes and some damn fine paint—with their permission, of course.
And fine paint takes an investment, one that is not necessarily directly aimed at getting women. It’s like that movie Field of Dreams. If you build it, they will come. Me personally, I’m not currently approaching women on the street; it’s not because I don’t feel attracted to them—Lordy no. I’m not sure whether or not women understand how physically painful it can be for a guy to see a daughter of Eve, arrayed with splendor, walk by, if the dude feels she is “out of his league.” I’ve literally gone into convulsions—well, definitely doubled over as if with a severe stomach cramp, sticking my fist into my mouth—upon seeing what I considered to be an unobtainable goddess.
This reaction, from what I understand about my fellow man, is completely normal. The issue, then, is what we do next. If I feel, despite my initial butterfly reaction (or “thunderbolt”), that I may indeed have a legitimately pleasurable experience to offer this holy sister, then I initiate eye contact with her. If she returns the eye contact, I may give a little smile and subtly roll off, gently placing my attention elsewhere to communicate that although she did pique my interest, I am multidimensional and not obsessive. I then slowly spiral back into her frame of attention and initiate conversation. If she doesn’t meet my first glance, then my roll off is actually into another part of my world, not hers, and we both continue on our (presumably) merry ways. No harm, no foul.
So, for me, the litmus test is whether she reciprocates eye contact. I can’t see that possibly turning into harassment, unless I’m staring at her fixedly, which I don’t because my body language is that of rolling, spinning, gracefully wandering, exploring, beautifying, and generally loving the transcendence of all that is. Or something to that effect. Basically, I’m busy. To give her undue attention would be to neglect something else in my life. Once in conversation and, eventually, a relationship, there are other boundaries to consider, but for any guys reading this, I would say that a safe guideline is: If she doesn’t look back at your eyes, don’t speak to her, touch her, follow her, or give her any more of your attention whatsoever. In fact, she may want you to pay “too much” attention to her for her own indulgent reasons, so she can “complain” later to her girlfriends about how guys won’t leave her alone (’cuz she’s sooooooooo hot).
No offense, ladies, but you know you love attention, in general . . . actually, we humans all do. It’s just . . . we want nice attention and appropriate amounts of it, in appropriate environments.
For me to live a balanced life, my power must come from my own health and wealth—that is, from myself. (I actually mean my higher self, in an Aquarian sense, in which it is equally true that my power comes from God alone). The cat-callers, the gropers, the stalkers . . . they are seeking a certain kind of power, the kind of power that necessitates the oppression of others. In terms of games, I play win-win games, where everybody can win. The games stalkers play require a loser. In fact, the attitude that for every winner there must be a loser, is at the root of many social ills and dichotomies. Street harassment is a noteworthy (and fixworthy!) special case.
I’ve never been accused of street harassment, but I’ve definitely given out too many (and too touchy-feely) hugs at office parties and been spoken to about it by my higher-ups. I can tell you point blank that the reason I did it was because I didn’t have enough other positive things going for me in my life to feel self-validated, and yet I still felt that I deserved attention from the queens of angels. Of course, looking back as (now) an objective third party, I can see that my false beliefs yielded offensive behavior. But at the time, I was just too young, too dumb, and too full of . . . well, full of conflict, to notice.
I am grateful for the opportunity and the prompt to reflect on this topic. Let all men derive their power and validation from appropriate sources!
Jayne says
Thank you. This is well said. You have the right perspective. However, I think it is sad that you get sick at the sight of a beautiful women or one out of your league. Why do you care what she looks like? It’s just an appearance. That’s your problem. Just relate to women as people. Beauty is only skin deep — and usually women who put the most attention in being seductive have the most issues mentally. Find a best friend whom you happen to be attracted to — this attitude of — seeing a beautiful woman and having to have her or approach or else you will be sick is not pleasant for women. I have had men harass me, stare, not take no for an answer, punish me for not giving them the reaction they want — all for the simple reason that they like the way I look. How stupid. I would never look twice at these men and I frankly find them pathetic. I also take exception to the fact that my merely returning eye contact or acknowledging a fellow human being is being interpreted as an invitiation, but based upon your blog and my expereince it is. A hello from me invariable invites an offer of a phone number or some other come on. In turn, I have learned to avoid eye contact or keep “quick on my feet” to make a quick getaway when one of these men starts to get idas that I am in his targets.
You reference God. Put God first. Have you allegiance be to him. Quit following your gonads. Your attraction to a woman should be based on shared interests, values, complementary personalities not by virtue of the fact that she is hot. How long does the novelty of “hot” last? What a stupid basis for a relationship. It’s also a very immature way of relating to the world.
When men stare at us, we don’t tell our girlfriends that men can’t keep away from us because of how hot we are…we actually express pain, exasperation, frustration — and refer to the men in question as creeps. Let’s be serious …if a man would approach one beautiful woman that way, he will do it to the next. There is no shortage of beautiful woman in the world, and such men do not discriminate.