I’m almost 20 now, and I’ve been harassed all of my life.
But before I was 16, either a cute boy was flirting with me, or it was an older man in which I would calmly declare my age followed by “… And I don’t like pedophiles.”
Now I’m older, and the “I’m 15” excuse has lost most of it’s believability. And honestly, that scares me. (I’m SUPER happy I found this site, however!)
I have a boyfriend, and even if I didn’t I’m not interested in hooking up with strangers. I’ve been interrogated, followed, “hit on” by men ranging from an 11 year old on a skateboard to a drunk man old enough to be my grandpa, and harassed helplessly in front of others. While I have MANY stories to share with you, I have one particularly disturbing tale to tell.
I was 14, walking home from my friend’s house in sweats and a long sweater in the afternoon. On the opposite side of the road, two men in their 40’s were stopped at a stop light. The driver cat called at me. I kept on walking. His buddy beside him leaned over and said, “Hey, wanna have sex?”
Shocked and slightly frightened I shouted back, “No thanks!” And kept walking.
The sad thing is that my mom thinks this behavior, when done by men my own age, is “harmless.”
My boyfriend often blames ME for it, although he says, “I know it’s not YOUR fault,” there’s always a BUT added onto that (“but I just get upset that you let it happen,” or sometimes he even says I provoke it).
The extra bad part is when it happens with someone you know or have already started talking to. For example, you meet a man on the bus, and he seems nice. He starts an innocent conversation with you, respectfully. And perhaps you even agree to let him walk with you to your next destination. Then out of nowhere he compliments your looks or asks if you have a boyfriend. Then, that’s when the panic sets in. You don’t want to be rude, but you also don’t want to let him think this is OK.
What do you do?
I still haven’t figured it out.
Sometimes, I just avoid all men, which is it’s own form of sexism. And others I just give them the wrong number then say I need to be somewhere. I know it’s wrong, but what am I supposed to do?
– Stephanie
Location: Vancouver, WA
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Whitney says
Good for you for sticking up for yourself so many times! But when you say “you don’t want to be rude,” I have to ask, why not? I know that it will feel uncomfortable at first because women are taught (no, required) to be polite. But harassment is so far beyond being just “rude.” It makes women “panic,” exactly as you said. In that case, being rude is nothing compared to what he said. I encourage you and all ladies to practice claiming rudeness as our right. We deserve it 🙂
Elan Durham says
I cannot begin to respond to this problem in America without referencing so many problems that connect relationships between men and women, politics, religion, and power, and the shift in women’s status in the US over the past decade … that I am deflated even before I begin.
But I would suggest a few things — trivial but perhaps effective: Wear a noticeable wedding ring (Cubic Zirconium) in public to deter advances; act as if you are married, even though you are not; chill toward all uninvited queries no matter how friendly they may seem. You already know how they are followed up … Act a good two decades beyond your own age, as you are making up for a huge cultural problem that cannot be solved by counseling: Sexual Infantalism!
Young boys and men can be rebuffed with ‘Go home to your mother’ though I have experienced similar problems, and find that when they are up to mischief, it is useless to appeal to their reason.
Women are practically put in positions of wearing burqas to protect their privacy and sense of dignity, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to shut down my entire sensory apparatus behind the chador or hijab of Islam to do it … Of course, you could join the Mormon religion, and wear their white underwear and see if this helps, or convert to Hasidic Judism, and wear an unattractive wig and widow’s weeds, but again … You are surrendering your self-agency to someone else (spurious) for protection.
We have become a nation of warring tribes with people on the streets behaving like lawless thugs, hooligans, and gangsters … Carry a load of ice in your heart and mind; try to anticipate trouble, when you can, and walk in the other direction.
Sue Henderson says
You’re a very brave woman and I applaud your actions in dealing with these harassers. I do think that the other commentators are right though and, while I think your boyfriend needs a damned good lesson in stopping victim blaming, he may mean that you shouldn’t talk to guys when they start talking to you.
Never ever let anyone tell you that it’s your fault when a man (or boy) hits on you. It’s their choice to do this, not yours. And no matter how friendly you are that’s no excuse for their behaviour.
So, what to do about it. If a man tries to talk to you and you don’t want to talk to him simply tell him that. He may give you some abuse for it of course but then if he does he was plainly going to harass you anyway – and better to find that out immediately rather than after a while. Someone who’s genuine won’t mind if you say “I’m sorry but I really don’t want to talk” in a firm but polite way.
Unfortunately most men see a woman responding to his talking to her as that she must fancy him. A smile is a ‘come-on’ in bloke world. It’s sad but I think the only way to protect yourself from harassment from guys who seemingly only want to chat is to avoid chatting to any of them.
With regard to the catcalls they’re unavoidable I’m afraid – even if you were wearing a burka – so it’s up to you whether you ignore or retaliate. I tend to call them pervs in as loud a voice as I can muster. You may not be able to call them paedophiles any more but their behaviour can still be called perverted. The idea is to make them even more embarrassed than you and this does it. Maybe if enough women do this to enough men they’ll stop harassing us for fear of what we might do back to them. This could take a while!
Stephanie says
Thank you all for responding:) I have honestly thought of the wedding ring idea (I will have an engagement ring in a year or two anyway), but I thought about that, and realized that it’s not right. It’s not right that I have to hide behind a fake (or real) ring. It’s not right that I get harrassed for wearing a short skirt (although I have quit wearing most “sexy” clothing). It’s not right that I have to make up excuses or be rude! However, I realize acting like I live in Utopia when I am indeed in a flawed world is not going to help me.
I am also trying to rid myself of what a dear friend has dubbed “A serious case of guy-o-phobia.” She is right- I am scared of men. I grew up without a father, and I have NO idea how to “act around men.” I think avoiding men on the street, on the bus, etc. is going to be counterproductive to that. I am a VERY social person, and I love meeting new people and I’d talk to everyone if I wasn’t scared. So avoiding certain situations or men altogether is just letting street harrasment rule my life!!
I do agree that I need to quit being scared of being rude. That’s my number one issue. If someone is so rude as to objectify, dehumanize and humiliate me in public, I have every right to be mad! But shouting like a raving lunatic (as stated on this site) may end up making people think I AM a raving lunatic- especially if they did not see or hear what had happened to me.
I have vowed to stand up for myself the next time I’m being harrassed by saying something like “Would you want another man to say that to your mother or your sister?” or “Don’t talk to me like that,” or “I’m not interested.” As for my boyfriend, I had a long talk with him about this, and he agrees that it’s not my fault and if it ever happens around him, he’ll stick up for me like he would anyone else he loved that was being harrassed.