“I still have panic attacks and think people are following me all the time”

I am an Australian living in Paris and this place seems to have very different expectations of how to treat women. I am harassed every single day (whether touching, grabbing or verbal harassment).

A year and a half ago (after already being followed a couple of times before, but luckily I noticed and went into a shop until they left), a young guy tried to talk to me in the train station as I was on my home. He asked if he could talk to me and I said ‘no’ and walked away. I then got on my train. I changed twice and walked all the way through the stations, got out at my stop and walked up my little street. It was late at night and there was no one around. I was at my front gate, and was halfway through putting in my security code to open it when I felt someone close behind me. I turned and it was the guy who had tried to talk to me. I was so shocked and when I realised the lengths he’d gone to follow me, I was terrified. I called out in a very strong, firm voice to go away (not very politely!) in French and English and he just stood there and laughed at me.

I realised he was serious about this and it wasn’t just a game so I ran as fast as I could down towards the train station, but I didn’t get very far as he ran faster than me and ran in front of me, stopping me and trapping me. Then he pulled down his pants and laughed. I don’t think he expected me to run, because that’s what I did, very fast, up to my gate and I had time to put in my code and get through before he had time to pull up his pants and get there too.

I was pushing the gate closed from the inside and he was pushing it on the outside and shouting at me. I pushed it so hard and managed to close it and ran for my life up to my apartment. I was so scared to leave my flat as I knew he knew where I lived and could be waiting for me. I went into shock the next morning and was shaking and cold and scared. When I reported it to the police, they said that it is common and that as soon as they get you into the courtyard of your apartment building, they rape you as you have nowhere to go and are trapped.

I felt very alone and unsupported after it happened and after two weeks I was telling a friend that I was still not coping very well with what had happened and she told me I really should be over it by now… after that I repressed it and didn’t talk about it anymore and put on a happy face. I sunk into a very bad depression which affacted me very badly, emotionally and physically. After a year, a man pressed against me on the escalators at a train station, and it all came out. I realised that I certainly was not over it and needed to deal with it.

I still have panic attacks and think people are following me all the time. But, I am trying to face it and address it, and after reading and joining sites like this one (and others) I realise that I am certainly not alone and that how I feel is very common. And I also know that it’s not my friends’ fault for not knowing what to say to me. Unless you’ve experienced something like this, you wouldn’t really understand how much it affects you.

When men would harrass me on the streets before, I would usually just walk away and not say anything, but now I turn around and scream at them to ‘f*** off’ and usually push them very hard if they touch me. The anger is getting to me, but I just don’t want to put up with it anymore. The thing I hate the most though is that when I respond like that, they just laugh.

– Anonymous

Location: On my street, outside my flat in Paris, France