Stop Street Harassment

Making Public Spaces Safe and Welcoming

Archives for 2011

How to act when you see a woman dressed “sexy”

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How to treat and respond to someone dressed “slutty,” “provocatively,” or “sexy” comes up a lot during discussions I facilitate on street harassment and sexual harassment in schools (‘Well why do girls/women dress that way if they don’t want the attention?”). I address this issue in my book and briefly on my website in the section “How to Talk to a Woman.” The bottom line is, no matter how someone dresses, treat them with respect.

Caperton at Feministe broke the issue down further in her excellent post “So There’s a Woman Dressed All Sexy-Like: Your Role as Observer“:

“There’s a lot of ongoing debate about what, exactly, a woman is looking for when she goes out dressed all sexy-like (which is itself a subjective concept). Men (and women) get ideas about exactly what that woman wants, what she welcomes, how they should behave toward her, what her all-sexy-likeness indicates. And guys, in particular, can come up with a thousand excuses for publicly ogling a woman’s goodies–They’re right there; I can’t help but look. She’s doing it for attention–she wants men to look. If she didn’t want guys to look, she shouldn’t put them out there. They’re so ubiquitous, I hardly notice them anymore, and when I do I generally dismiss them with rolled eyes and an unladylike snort.

There is one excuse that, while common, is sufficiently uncommon to draw my attention: Some girls get their feelings hurt if you don’t look/whistle/comment/shout/grope. Seriously. Seriously? Your personal approval is paramount to them, and you’re doing them a service by sexually harassing them. They pass you by at a bar, ladypillows pushed up to their chin, and when you don’t hazard a pinch they look back at you with a single, crystalline tear rolling down their cheek. Your unsolicited grunt is really your generous way of seeing to their emotional health, you saint, you. (Whether the gentleman offering this service is the same one who wanted custody of our metaphorical dog, I shall not say.)

And so I provided him a list, albeit not a universal or comprehensive one, of things to do when you see a woman dressed all sexy-like.

1. Admire, if it’s your thing. I mean, why not?

2. Don’t stare. It’s rude. And it’s not like the view is going to change from minute to minute–generally, women don’t spontaneously disrobe or hyperinflate their breasts or turn into lizard-people such that you’d miss it if you turned away. The view ten seconds now will be pretty much the same as the view you’re getting now, so it’s safe to look away.

3. Keep your commentary–and your hands–to yourself. Some women truly are into it; many aren’t. Many really aren’t. It’s best to err on the side of not offending anyone.

4. Don’t assume she’s dressing for you. Maybe she’s dressed all sexy-like for the benefit of her boyfriend/girlfriend, and they just happen to be out in public where you can observe it.

5. Don’t assume she’s dressing for you. Maybe she’s dressed all sexy-like for the guy two barstools down from you, who’s taller than you and flashed a Rolex when he reached for his drink. Or maybe it’s for the guy next to you on the other side who’s shorter than you and wearing tight jeans and hipster glasses that you think look stupid. Or maybe it’s for the woman behind the bar. She’s allowed to be picky, and she’s allowed to not pick you. The fact that you’re sitting within sight of her all-sexy-likeness doesn’t mean she’s aiming it at you–just that she’s a shotgun and you’re within the spread.

6. Don’t assume she’s dressing for you–or anyone else, for that matter. Maybe she’s dressed all sexy-like purely for herself, because she likes the way she looks. Maybe looking all sexy-like makes her feel sexy, and that gives her more confidence or a little bit of a personal thrill. And yes, maybe her look is one that is also appealing to the more prurient gaze, but there’s a difference between wanting to look sexy and wanting to actively pursue interaction of a sexual nature. She gets to do either one.

7. Don’t think she owes you anything. Dressing all sexy-like isn’t some contract with the world that a woman will respond positively to all come-ons or welcome all (or any) physical advances. Even if she is dressed all sexy-like expressly so that people will look at her, that doesn’t mean she wants anyone to touch her or even speak to her, and she gets to do that. If you insist on seeing it as a transaction, think of it this way: She gets to dress in a way that makes her feel sexy, and you get to enjoy seeing a woman who’s dressed all sexy-like.

8. Be a nice guy (or girl), not a Nice Guy™. Review #5. Maybe she’s not into short guys, or tall girls, or guys at all, or girls at all, or facial hair, or muscles, or people who open with “Hey, nice tits.” People have their reasons–and you’re eyeing the woman who’s dressed all sexy-like and not the woman in the mom jeans next to her, so it’s not like you’re one to talk. Here’s a clue: If you find yourself saying, “I’m a nice guy, but no one will sleep with me! Women are only into rich/bad/hot guys. Shallow bitches, all of them,” you’re not a nice guy. You’re a Nice Guy™, and that’s why you’re single.

Am I leaving anything out? Moreover, at what point do you know that a male friend is just plain not educable?”

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Harassment in an Italian Doctor’s Office

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I was standing in a doctors office with my three month old baby, waiting for my husband. An older Italian man was staring at me nonstop for at least ten minutes. It made me feel uncomfortable so I looked up and blinked and looked away again. I had my daughter in a papoose. The man walked towards me, and grabbed my arm very tightly which angered me. I broke away and began yelling at him in English. People stood around and just watched as if it was nothing.

I felt like a piece of dirt and knew that had I not been a woman of color, people would have rendered assistance. I am an American woman married to an Italian. I am not in the country to freeload off of the Italians. I am a business owner, and a degreed professional in my former life. Yet, I get the impression that women of color, as well as very blond white women are associated with sexual trafficking based on color and not respected.

-Anonymous

Location: Livorno, Italy

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Find suggestions for what YOU can do about this human rights issue.

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Domestic Violence and Street Harassment: Five Connections

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Today the building where I work is flooded with purple: purple sweaters, shirts, skirts, shoes, scarfs, necklaces, umbrellas, and even wallets. It’s also over-run by cupcakes…yum.

It’s Purple Thursday in Washington, DC, an awareness day organized by the DC Coalition Against Domestic Violence (DCCADV) during national Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Many of my co-workers at AAUW and I are wearing purple to show support.

The cupcakes are here because, as part of the Pixel Project’s “Paint it Purple Campaign,” I’m holding a fundraiser cupcake bake sale. All of the proceeds of my home-made cupcakes will go to DCCADV and Pixel Project. As the day comes to a close, I’ve sold 47 cupcakes (and counting) to the generous folks who work in my building.

I’m participating in Purple Thursday and hosting a bake sale because I believe no one should be unsafe at home or in trusted relationships, and certainly not one in four women. I’m participating in Purple Thursday because I have a personal connection to the issue of domestic violence through family members and friends who’ve survived such relationships. I’m participating because I spent four years volunteering at domestic violence shelters in high school and college.

I’m also participating, and blogging here, because of the very real connections that domestic violence has to street harassment*.  Here are five of them

1. Combined, they ensure that everywhere unsafe:

Too often people who do not “get” street harassment say, “Well if you don’t want to deal with street harassers, then stay home.” Most famously this year, a 71-year-old male mayor in a province in Turkey said, “Do not walk around, sit in your homes,” when women talked to him about the problem of street harassment.

Sadly, given how few alternatives there are for dealing with street harassers, many women occasionally do “choose” to stay home to avoid harassers and to feel safe. In a 1993 Harvard Law Review article, Cynthia Grant Bowman wrote that street harassment creates an “informal ghettoization of women…to the private sphere of hearth and home.”

Nearly 20 years later, that term rings true. “Choosing” to stay home in order to avoid harassment or worse on the streets is a human rights issue. Having to make this “choice” also begs the question, “What do you do when your home isn’t safe either?”

Getting back to the Turkish mayor, not only was his “advice” to stay home impractical and it put the onus on women to be safe instead of on men to stop harassing them, but it was also ironic. His town has a 70 percent rate of domestic violence and the women he advised to stay home were employees at a domestic violence shelter! They of all people know that a woman’s home is not always safe and they know that in their town, it’s not safe for 70 percent of women.

While other places have lower rates of domestic violence, telling someone to stay home to avoid street harassment is not a realistic or desirable solution and it can put them in more danger. For some women, the combination of street harassment and domestic violence means that nowhere is safe.

2. The same individuals may perpetrate both:

Just last week, police arrested Jesse Perez Torres in connection with the murder of a 17-year-old who was attacked in broad daylight when she was walking home from high school. He has an alleged history of domestic violence. Five months before the murder, Torres allegedly assaulted his wife and threatened to kill her.

If someone has no qualms about harassing, groping, stalking or assaulting (or, in the case of Torres, murdering) a stranger on the streets, they may not be very respectful at home either. And vice versa. If you hurt your loved ones, it may not be a stretch to think you’d hurt a stranger on the street, especially if you think you can get away with it, just as most street harassers and rapists do. As a result, working to prevent domestic violence can help prevent street harassment and vice versa.

3. Neither are viewed as serious problems:

For far too long, domestic violence was an issue people did not talk about. It was a private matter that you ignored if you knew it was happening to someone else and you didn’t talk about it to others if it was happening to you. The rise of the “battered women’s movement” changed that a lot, but today, the issue is still not given the gravity it deserves.

Did you know that funding to domestic violence shelters is often one of the first things cut or reduced in city or state budgets? When domestic violence isn’t viewed as a serious problem, shelters can seem unnecessary or “extra” instead of lifelines and beacons of hope. Earlier this month, the mayor of Topeka, Kansas, repealed the city’s domestic abuse law to cut costs so the city wouldn’t have to pay for prosecuting domestic violence cases.

From CBS: “Topeka has had at least 35 reported incidents of domestic battery or assault since early September. Those cases are not being pursued, and as of last Friday, 18 people jailed have been released without facing charges, according to Topeka police.”

Unbelievable and unacceptable.

Related, street harassment is rarely treated as a serious problem. Sexual comments, stalking and even groping are construed as a compliment, no big deal, and something to get a “tough skin” about. When street harassment escalates to sexual assault or murder, it usually is acknowledged, but only as an isolated incident instead of as something that’s part of a larger problem.  In the US, there have been no large-scale studies on the topic, no major public service announcement campaigns, and almost no acknowledgment from leaders and stakeholders that it’s a problem. This needs to change.

4. People who share their stories of domestic violence or street harassment are often blamed:

“Why didn’t she leave?” and “What must she have done to make him treat her that way?” are common questions people ask when they hear about domestic violence. Many people asked them in 2009 when it surfaced that singer Chris Brown beat his then girlfriend Rihanna.

“Why did you go to that part of town alone?” or “Why did you wear that outfit?” are common questions people ask when someone shares a street harassment story.

These questions put the blame on the survivor of domestic violence and street harassment, not on the perpetrator. Such questions allow the violence and harassment to continue and they create an environment where people who speak out aren’t taken seriously because it’s assumed they must be partly to blame for what happened. The blame game must end before more survivors feel like they can come forward and before all perpetrators are held accountable for their actions.

5. Bystanders can make a difference:

Let’s end on a good note. Bystanders can make a big difference in ending the social acceptability of domestic violence and street harassment by speaking out and they can make a difference in ending specific incidents of each behavior by creating an interruption.

A bystander campaign I really like in India focused on domestic violence is called Bell Bajao (Ring the Bell), which is a campaign that asks people to interrupt violence when they hear it by ringing the doorbell of the house. They recommend saying something like, “can I borrow a cup of sugar” or simply ringing the bell and leaving and then calling the police if the abuse continues. To advertise the campaign, they have video PSAs and a video van that has reached 5.5 million people thus far. Innovative and interactive, the van builds audience-participation through games, street theater, audio-visual tools and quizzes. The campaign just won the World Summit Youth Award in September.

In the USA, the University of New Hampshire and Men Can Stop Rape each have bystander campaigns aimed at college students that center on how bystanders can prevent and stop sexual assault and rape, and each campaign also addresses street harassment. They provide interested people with all of the components necessary to create a campus-wide campaign. If you’re on a college campus, I encourage you to check them out.

As Purple Thursday draws to a close, remember, you can make a difference in ending domestic violence and in ending street harassment by being an active bystander. You can believe, support, and not blame people who talk to you about domestic violence and street harassment. You can speak out against perpetrators of those behaviors. You can think of creative ways to interrupt and intervene when you know domestic violence or street harassment is happening, such as asking for a cup of sugar, asking for the time, or simply asking the abused or harassed person if they’re okay.  You can make a difference.

*Men face domestic violence and street harassment too, but the connections between domestic violence and street harassment are most clear when women are the survivors and men the perpetrators and that is the focus of this post.

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It’s Time to Change the Channel

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“Freedom cannot be achieved unless the women have been emancipated from all forms of oppression” –Nelson Mandela

“Street Harassment is a serious problem. It makes us feel ashamed and afraid unnecessarily. I hate it.”

“Going for a run should not mean going on display.”

“I’ve gone from “queen” to “b*tch” in 6 seconds on the streets of Oakland.” –Voices of women on street harassment.

By devaluing women verbally, street harassment can contribute to situations that make it ok (in the perpetrator’s mind) to escalate into a physical confrontation, specifically if the advances are rejected.

Lately I’ve been doing some training to learn how to help male perpetrators of domestic violence learn non-abusive choices and behaviors for managing domestic conflicts and disputes.

I’ve found that just as domestic violence is about power and control, so is street harassment. And sitting at the root of these ills is male privilege.

With male privilege comes a feeling of entitlement: entitlement to sex, entitlement to being in control, having their needs as a priority, and also the expectation that when a man, or men sexually harasses a woman in public that woman should be happy to be getting some attention.

When their advances are rejected, some men call women all kind of different names in an attempt to get some power back. This name-calling also serves to send a message to women which says that their worth is defined by how satisfied a man is with them.

Living in a culture that has very specific rules and expectations regarding what is feminine and masculine, and one that reinforces in overt and subtle ways the subordination of women contributes to the problem, and many images in the media give the message that its ok to treat women like objects, reinforcing the idea of male entitlement & superiority, and subjugation of women.

Check out this preview for an interesting documentary that examines those images called “Miss Representation.”

Miss Representation 8 min. Trailer 8/23/11 from Miss Representation on Vimeo.

Moving to action

“Allies are needed to fight against every type of oppression. We must use our privileges to level the playing field.  Just as people of color should not be solely responsible for ending racism, just as people in the LGBTQ community should not be solely responsible for ending homophobia, women should not be solely responsible for ending sexism in its many forms.” —Excerpted from (N.A.H.) Blog Post: “It’s Not a Compliment, its Harassment“

It’s time to “change the channel” in our minds and actions. Today, many men are still taught in covert and overt ways that being masculine means suppressing emotions and having power over others.

In my training to work to help male perpetrators of domestic violence learn non-abusive choices and actions in managing conflicts in their relationships, we focus on honesty and accountability. That means being honest about the abuse, and holding ourselves accountable for the choices we make.

We also talk about changing the perception that men are entitled to have power “over”, to one in which fosters equality and shared responsibility as they work “with” their partners. Changing that perception involves questioning our status quo.

Down with the “boys will be boys” mentality. Let’s step outside of the box. Who says catcalling a woman in the street and then calling her a b*cth if she ignores you or stands up for herself is what makes you a man? Who says emotional or physical abuse is the “manly” way to assert oneself in conflict?

It’s time to create a new definition of “manhood”: one which values non-violence, respect, and equity over domination and control.

Men have a lot to gain, but more importantly a lot to give by working against street harassment and other forms of sexism and working toward gender equality.

We can play critical roles in challenging it not only in our personal lives, but in institutions as well. We can teach our young men that it’s NOT ok to harass or hit women. We can also offer counter-narratives that teach them to value the women in their lives for who they are.

We can also be honest and hold ourselves accountable by challenging the “conventional wisdom” and working against giving ourselves an out by assuming “that’s just the way it is and always will be” when it comes facing street harassment and other forms of sexism.

Men can also remain honest and accountable by acknowledging their own privilege. Although we have the privilege to not have to worry about being catcalled on the street, I think a part of being a good ally is staying in the conversation, and doing whatever we can in our lives to use our influence to advocate for justice and equality for women.

Let us move forward from saying “that’s just the way it is” to asking ourselves “What can I do to help?”

Encourage me as I encourage you in this difficult but worthy work towards peace.

Grace & Peace,

Relando Thompkins, MSW—Servant Leader, Teacher, Learner, Social Change Agent and Writer for the Blog: Notes from an Aspiring Humanitarian (N.A.H.)

This post is part of the weekly blog series by male allies. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.

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Occupy Wall Street Video Objectifies Women

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Occupy Wall Street and people following the movement now have one more item on their list of things to protest: sexism in a video portrayal of the movement. Dubbed “Hot Chicks of the OWS” by its creator, Steven Greenstreet, the video shows several young women speaking about the movement and what it means to them. In and of itself, that should not be a problem. However, many aspects of the video objectify women.

On his own website, Greenstreet says of himself and his camera crew, “Our original ideas were admittedly sophomoric: Pics of hot chicks being all protesty, videos of hot chicks beating drums in slow-mo, etc. But when we arrived at Zuccotti Park in New York City, it evolved into something more…. It made me want to pack my bags and pitch a tent on Wall Street…. And we hope it makes you want to be there too.”

Even after the final editing, the video arguably treats women as objects. More than one shot focuses on a woman’s chest. The tune that plays throughout has been identified by Salon.com as “Fast, Cheap and Out of Control”—hardly the anthem of an educated individual with an online PhD. And while the women interviewed say intelligent, astute things, the fact remains that only young, able bodied, conventionally pretty women get to speak to the camera.

No woman older than her twenties is interviewed, although the Occupy Wall Street Movement spans a wide range of ages. Likewise, no woman who appears on camera is obviously disabled or homosexual, accompanied by a man or outside the conventional definition of “pretty.” Like contestants in the Miss America pageant, all the women interviewed by Greenstreet are “available” for men, or at least appear to be.

Greenstreet’s own comments imply that the value of women in the movement is that they will attract men—not what the women themselves bring, and certainly not what they have to say. The “you” in his “we hope it makes you want to be there” does not include women.

A staff debate published at Salon.com offer multiple viewpoints about this video, to which the online publication offers the provoking title “Occupy Wall Street Gone Wild.” Some of the staffers, mostly men, felt there was nothing wrong with the video itself—only with Greenstreet’s comments. Others, primarily women, point out that the underlying message is entirely sexist.

It remains unknown what the women interviewed by Greenstreet knew about his intentions. Did they know they were being filmed? If so, what were they led to believe was the purpose of the video? It is quite likely that they believed their statements would be the central theme, and didn’t realize they would be portrayed as eye candy.

Across the Internet, bloggers and commentators alike have been raising these various points. A series of posts by blogger Jill at Feministe acknowledges that, while people may indeed meet people they find attractive at a protest, and there’s nothing wrong with that, showcasing female protesters for their looks alone is nothing short of misogynistic.

The protests raised in the blogosphere are perhaps the best possible antidote to the sexism in Greenstreet’s video. At the time of the interviews, it is unlikely that the interview subjects knew how the video would be put together or would have been able to change the outcome. Women cannot stop men like Greenstreet from making sexist videos. However, women (and men, too) can use actions like his as opportunities to raise consciousness about the objectification of women that goes on every day, and combat it in the public eye.

This post is by guest contributor Brittany Lyons. You can read a related post on the “Hot Chicks of the OWS” and street harassment at Fem2.0.

Brittany Lyons aspires to be a psychology professor, but decided to take some time off from grad school to help people learn to navigate the academic lifestyle. She currently lives in Spokane, Washington, where she spends her time reading science fiction and walking her dog.

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