By Sara Schwartzkopf, Colorado, USA, SSH Correspondent
“What was that about?” I asked as we got off the bus.
“What do you mean?” my friend Hoa replied.
“Well, you wouldn’t even look at the guy.”
“My mom always said to just ignore them.”
It was dark, and cold out in Denver that night and my friend and I had just gotten off the bus on our way back home from a kung fu belt test. We were discussing an older man from the bus, who had taken an interest in us when he heard Hoa talking on her phone in Vietnamese. He sat down near us, and then started trying to ask Hoa what language that was. I say he tried, because Hoa didn’t even spare him a glance. She stared straight ahead, not even acknowledging the man’s presence. The man looked incredibly perplexed, eventually shrugged and went back to minding his own business. I had never seen a stranger ignored so thoroughly, much less done it myself. I suppose I thought it would be rude.
Sometimes there is no standard for a proper reaction. There is no “right” way to deal with harassment, just like there is no “right” way to deal with sexual assault. Now while there are many resources on how you can respond to public harassment, most of these come from what works for the author, and are centered in the type of abuse that the author has endured. That’s an important distinction to make. What I go through as a light-skinned young woman in Colorado is exponentially different to what a dark-skinned woman will go through in New York City. How I was taught to interact with strangers was different than how my friend was taught.
Earlier this month an article that was originally published on Luna Luna was reposted on xoJane. This article by Alecia Lynn Eberhardt, titled “Stop Saying ‘I Have a Boyfriend’ to Deflect Unwanted Attention,” posits that using this line is a problematic thing for women to do. It caused quite a stir among feminists of color on Twitter. Now Eberhardt is right about something – it is absolute nonsense that the only way to get a stranger to leave you alone is to claim that you already “belong” to someone else. It should be perfectly normal to go out and enjoy yourself without the assumption that you are looking for a date.
What I find odd is when Eberhardt says that women are bringing this upon themselves. By using an excuse, we act as if the behavior is ok rather than getting to the point of the matter which is that you want nothing to do with this person. In her piece, we stop pushy behavior by being blunt. In part, I agree with her. I should be able to give a simple no and have that be the end of it. And maybe, if I did engage a guy in a talk about his behavior, I would be able to get him to change his actions.
Here’s the thing though – it’s not my job on a night out, walking down the street, grocery shopping, or running to stop what I’m doing and educate a complete stranger on their behavior. I don’t feel as though I’m disrespecting myself or women to say this: My existence is not a teachable moment.
The other thing is that sometimes it’s simply not safe to engage with a street harasser or any sort of overly-persistent man. I assume Eberhardt based her advice on overly-persistent men trying to get a date at a bar. Much of the criticism Eberhardt received online came from women of color. Many of them recounted experiences of being grabbed, chased, assaulted, or being verbally threatened when they tried to get out of a situation. Street harassment looks very different for some women.
While sexual assault and street harassment fall into two different categories (most sexual assaults are committed by someone known to the victim, whereas street harassment normally comes from strangers), they are reflective of how society views women. Street harassment is still socially acceptable to large amount of people, and there aren’t very many studies on it. In fact, I couldn’t find one that looks at street harassment in the United States by race. It is worth noting that, women of color are assaulted at higher rates than White women (the exception being Asian women), with Native American women being assaulted at almost double the rate of White women. Given these facts, it shouldn’t be surprising that minority communities teach their girls to interact with strangers differently. It also shouldn’t be surprising that women of color feel more threatened by street harassment, and respond to this.
I’m incredibly hesitant to offer one-size-fits-all advice for a situation. I think each one of us can find ways to respond that fit us as individuals, and there are a lot of ways to respond. Heck, there’s even work you can do outside of a situation to discourage harassment. In the meantime, don’t feel bad about not wanting to engage an annoying dude in lengthy debate.
Sara is a recent graduate of the University of Denver where she majored in Sociology, International Studies, and minored in Japanese. She has previously written on issues relevant to the Native American community at Le Prestige Du Monde, pulling heavily on her experiences as a mixed-race Kiowa and Chickasaw.
