I had the idea for this letter after yet another day with an incident of being harassed on the street, reacting by sighing or shaking my head, and then getting told off for not accepting the compliment – the harasser hiding under the proclaimed guise of ‘just being nice’. It’s not one I could imagine being able to recite or hand to harassers with any real effect of change, but it helped me to articulate my thoughts, nonetheless.
Dear Men of New York City,
We would like to explain a couple of things re: sidewalk etiquette vis à vis women.
You may have noticed when you see a woman on the street and you turn to her as she is walking past and make some quick comment about her body, her dress or her overall appearance, one of a few things might happen. She might: a) blush and quicken her pace, ignoring her addresser, b) roll her eyes and/or let out a barely audible exasperated sigh, or c) let out an angry retort. While this letter in no way endorses rudeness on behalf of anyone, women included, we feel that you ought to have some sense of why this happens All.The.Time.
Some simple but extremely misguided answers would be that that women a) secretly want this to happen, but need to play coy, b) think they’re too good for you, or c) are bitches. Unfortunately for simplicity, things are more complex than that.
The truth is we do not hate men. We do not think we are better than men. But we do have a unique set of social sensibilities, emblazoned on our psyches – sensibilities which are central to all that it is to be feminine.
Notice a couple of things in the scenario described above: often, the woman is alone. Understand this: regardless of how far women have come in the workplace, in athletic prowess or intellectual achievement, a woman walking alone is vulnerable. She may be physically safe in a given milieu, but she is as vulnerable as a sitting duck to gaze, to emotional and psychological assault. She feels that she is vulnerable, hence you may also notice that she is walking briskly, and not making more than millisecond-long eye contact with any one of the dozens of people she is encountering. This signifies that she is striving to maintain some dignity, and while she may indeed be sexually attractive, she is donning a pose of modesty that is intended as a quiet plea to curb your enthusiasm. It is a conscious effort to avoid being addressed unnecessarily. To ignore this plea and disturb the tranquility of her psychological state by imposing your comments, opinions, or interjections on her app earance is not only rude, it is harassment, however mild or flattering.
What a woman understands at a fundamental level, which you also know, is that men will quite frequently see women as sexual objects. This is simply a given. However, this does not have to inform how people behave in society. As you can see, there is generally an imbalance between the sexes. While a woman can indeed be attracted to men, her interest is rarely so common, so frequent, nor so psychologically penetrating as that of men. Obviously. Men are (again, generally) the aggressors: historically, anthropologically, sexually. The fact of the matter is also that women have an equal role in society, and we are free to go about our business unescorted, without invoking whispers of indecency. It is our responsibility to supervise our own actions in accordance with the current norms of decency. It is your responsibility to do the same. Your sexual psyche is more active. This does not mean that women are more inviting to sexual advance. As explained above, sometimes the case is qu ite the contrary. So, please respect our autonomy, our right to freely move about in society, and out of general social decency avoid imposing your sexuality on us, unasked.
Now, we know you can always beg plausible deniability. “I was just trying to be nice.” “I really just liked the color of her dress.” On that score, I do regret that overall defensiveness can leave words of kindness under-appreciated. And I do hope, if you are a sincere sort of man, that you do receive the thanks you are due. However, even you ought to understand the delicate balance that needs to be struck. Any comment on a woman’s appearance is in effect a comment on her body. You may try to dress this in a less creepy way, but you know it’s true. When a woman is exhibiting such signs of guardedness, however, even a compliment on her outfit is received as sexual aggression. This is precisely because she is in a vulnerable position, and you know it, and she knows you know it, which is why you feel empowered as a stranger to speak freely, as you would not if her boyfriend, husband, brother or father, or even a group of other women were aroun d. This vulnerability does not justify your comments; rather it should quell them. That is all we ask.
Note also, this is not a guide to addressing women for courtship purposes. Should women exhibit signs of being open to courtship, different social norms and etiquette apply. On the other hand, this letter should help inform when such courtship efforts are appropriate. Just in case you thought otherwise, “anytime” is not the appropriate time for your comings on.
Sincerely, etc.
Do you have any suggestions for dealing with harassers and/or ending street harassment in general?
I have an idea that if you stop and talk to them frankly about how degrading and rude it is for them to talk like that to women, how repulsive it makes them to women, and suggest a dose of dignity and respect, maybe they’ll be taken aback, having expected complacent, passive behavior rather than a sincere conversation. However, I think the problem is too deep for that.
I tried this method today. A man, pushing a stroller with a small child no less, walked past me and said ‘mm you’re sexy’. i looked at him and told him, ‘you know, that’s very rude. it’s actually sexual harassment, and it’s not welcome.’
He kept walking and literally brushed off my comments – waving his hand in an ‘eh, you’re too stupid to bother listening to’ kind of gesture.
I was livid, but also convinced that nothing I could have said or done in response would have caused a different reaction. The way I see it, he was poorly brought up, and the saddest thing is, he’s teaching his child it’s okay to behave like this as well. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and I think a part of it comes down to women taking charge as mothers.
SO, LADIES, choose the fathers of your children wisely, as partners who will bring up good men, united with you on how to behave with women. If you did not expect to be a mother, recognize this responsibility nonetheless. Be strong and guide your sons to respect women, both by living by example and by encouraging and instilling good, respectful behavior in them.
– KN
Location: New York
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