I’ve been going to the same gym almost every week day Monday through Friday for over a year and a half. The people who attend the gym don’t talk often and are there to put the work in, so I’ve only chatted with men who have approached me maybe twice. The times I’ve been approached have related to general interest in my workout routine since I do martial arts and my training can appear out of the ordinary. The people were cordial and polite and went back to their own business after a couple of minutes. I’ve never had a problem at the gym until very recently.
Generally the weight area and more specifically the squat racks are taken by the time I make it to the gym. So when it was deserted on Thursday I got to have the little corner of the gym mostly to myself. After my sets, people were coming in so I cleared out of the rack, since I was done with it, in favor using some floor space and gathered my weights and a bar. After my second set a man walked over.
Man: “Oh wow, you gonna lift all that?”
My first thought was seriously? And my second thought was well that IS the point isn’t it?
What I actually said was “yeah, warming up….you know working my way up” because my brain was in shock at what he said, and the “hey little lady” way he said it meant I was having trouble forming anything better to say.
Man: “oh yeah, nice that’s cool.”
At this point I wondered how I could get him to leave me alone. His first comment rubbed me the wrong way and I didn’t expect it to get any better from there. Because I was raised not be rude, I didn’t come back with any of the comments forming in my head, no matter how much I wanted to say them. I tried not to let his words get to me or alter my routine, and I started my next set. I tried my hardest to NOT look at him and NOT speak to him, hoping he would get the hint and go away.
He didn’t.
The man stood less than 5 feet away and STARED at me. I could just see him in my peripheral vision as he watched me for the whole set. I tried my best to ignore his presence. I was seriously creeped out, a strange slimy feeling that makes the skin crawl. Instead of being able to focus on posture and breathing my brain was stuck in a loop please leave, please leave, please leave. I understand he probably wasn’t trying to be creepy, but standing there, in that situation, I didn’t know what he wanted either. I finished the set and took my time changing the weights on the bar, working as far away from him as I could get.
Man: “Oh here, let me help you with that.” He started changing out weight on his side of my bar.
Me: “ummm, thanks.” Because even though he is creepy and I don’t want him around, the conditioned part of me that says “thank you” spoke without permission.
Man: “oh yeah no problem.” He left when I continued to not look at or speak to him.
It was then I took a look around and noticed something. I was the ONLY woman in the whole weight area, surrounded by men. It was the first time in a long time I’ve felt outnumbered. Although I wasn’t afraid, I wasn’t comfortable either but I was determined not to let this stop me from finishing what I started. I was going to do my best to concentrate on breathing, counting, and keeping my form correct. I finished the exercise and moved on.
Nearby the leg press machine was open and I thought I would finish with that before high-tailing it out of the weight area. I started loading the plates and he came back.
Man: (looks at the weight I’ve added) “Ooh wow, yeah, look at that.” He stood there and silently watched.
I couldn’t believe he came back and I tried to think of something to do; maybe, stall for time until he left, or make a boyfriend reference so he will go away, or say something like “do you always watch people workout?” I said nothing and ended up stalling for time. Because if there is one thing I was absolutely NOT going to do was get in that machine on my back and put my feet in the air, practically laying on the floor in this man’s presence. Putting myself in such a vulnerable position with him standing over me was definitely not going to help me get rid of him.
When I still didn’t look at him or say anything, he finally left. I was determined to finish what I set out to do and after he was gone I got in the press and worked, getting up after every set to check everyone was in the same general place they were when last I looked and no one was approaching me. Throughout my workout I knew he was glancing at me, keeping tabs, and I’m wondered if he intended to follow me if I left the area. When I go to the treadmill will he follow me? I chose the treadmill that has a wall on one side and an already-occupied treadmill on the other so he couldn’t get next to me again.
I still can’t believe I had been so flabbergasted I wasn’t able to stand up for myself. I don’t think he meant for me to feel harassed but he did, in fact, make me very uncomfortable.
Just because a man doesn’t intend to harass a woman doesn’t mean that he isn’t harassing her. Of course not every new interaction is harassment and there are ways a man can approach a woman in a public place without it being harassment.It has a lot to do with intention, and expectation. A man can walk up to me at the gym and start a conversation about martial arts, and from his honest and sincere speech and the open, relaxed stance I can determine that his intentions are probably neutral and he has no expectations other than the current conversation. But walk up, make an offhanded comment, then say nothing else and stare at me, and I can only assume what your intentions and expectation could be.
If you feel like maybe you’ve gotten off on the wrong foot with someone, saying “Sorry, I hope I haven’t given you the wrong impression” goes a long way if you think you may have unintentionally made someone uncomfortable.
– Cyndi
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
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