When I lived in the city, in my daily commute I would pass by both homeless men and men just walking around who would leer at me or make comments. It would make me feel angry and cause me to walk incredibly fast. The last leg of my daily commute involved walking past a fancy hotel, and the doorman would recognize me and give a friendly “hello ma’am” greeting. Sometimes I would be so on-edge and aggravated by the earlier men that I would accidentally glare at him or turn my face away and walk faster before realizing he was probably just trying to be friendly.
More common is going out to bars with a female friend or relative and a man coming up and just standing next to me. Not talking to me, not talking to a friend, but just being alone and standing very close to me. I never understand why men do this; I can only assume that they hope I will notice and initiate a conversation, or that my female companion will leave and give them an opening to jump in and say something, I’m not sure. The most recent time this happened my mom was visiting me from out of town and we went to get drinks and some man just stood behind me leering over my shoulder. The bar had a lot of people but there was plenty of room for him to stand elsewhere. It was very distracting and it took a lot of effort to ignore it.
A similar situation happened when I was younger, maybe in my early 20s. My parents and sibling and I had dinner reservations for a holiday meal downtown but my dad took us to a place to get drinks before the meal since we were too early. I was talking to my dad when another, older man just stood near us the whole time. This man finally even asked, “Can I talk to your daughter?” and my dad told him to buzz off. He didn’t appear to be drunk but who knows.
And actually now that I think back, when I was way younger this happened too, when I was around 14-15 years old. My family would often go to this restaurant after church every Sunday and the bus boy would lean against the back of the booth I was seated in, or stand in the hallway near our table or lean on the wall between serving water, just starting at me. He would never say anything but he would make it clear he was interested in me.
Unfortunately my parents were new to men leering at their daughter and thought it was a harmless compliment but it made me feel dirty and alone, like I had dressed some way or did my hair some way to make him stare at me and no one would believe that this wasn’t right (I felt that people would think I was crazy for being upset that some creep found me attractive) or that I could share how uncomfortable I felt so I’d just have to sit and quietly deal with it.
Optional: What’s one way you think we can make public places safer for everyone?
Teach consent in high school! This is the number one way to teach young men and women how to respect one anothers’ boundaries and have consent before interacting with them. I feel many men grow up confused and frustrated by women who have grown up fearful and whose first instinct is to avoid strange men or be skeptical of new men (not that anyone can blame them!). If they understood what consent actually means they would understand how to have productive, respectful conversations with women instead of being fearful and frustrated by them. They would learn how to respect themselves and not hinge their sense of self worth based on if they can “win” a woman or not. They would learn that interacting with women is not a game to be won but just similar human beings that should be friends first.
– Anonymous
Location: Big city, USA
Share your street harassment story for the blog.
See the book 50 Stories about Stopping Street Harassers for more idea.
