“They said maybe I should just do the world a favour and kill myself”

Trigger Warning – Suicidal thoughts

I’ve been getting made fun of since I was 12 years old for my looks. I am now 31. I am very well aware that I am an ugly woman. Yet it seems maybe people seem to think I don’t know this. Why else do they need to keep reminding me of it?

I am someone who just keeps to myself. I am too nervous to get close to someone. Anyone I’ve been close to in the past always talked about how ugly I am to my face and behind my back. My own family has also always called me ugly. My mom has always been angry that I ended up looking more like my dad. They had a bad marriage. My sister often throws it in my face that I am ugly if we fight. So why get close to people if no one is willing to get past how hideously ugly my face is?

I’ve never had a boyfriend either, but I’ve never seen the point in trying. I am so ugly and any guy I’ve ever liked would probably hate me. Once when I did admit to it; the guy laughed in my face. He was a friend of mine and then he hated me for it. He was upset that someone as ugly as me would dare think I had a chance with him.

So I spend all my time on my own. Despite all of that, I’ve tried living my life as I should. I have a good job, I make good money, I have cats I love, I just bought my first house. Everything I have in my life, I’ve done all on my own. I’ve never asked for help. What’s the point? No one would probably want to help someone so ugly anyway.

I don’t bug anyone. I keep quiet but I love walking and hiking. I love exercise. I love being outside. I love summer. So today as usual, I went for one of my long walks. I was crossing the cross walk when I had the right of way and a car full of guys drove through and almost hit me.

They called me an ugly bitch as they went.

I managed to get across the road and they were in the parking lot at the Wendy’s. The guys came over to me and told me they’d be doing the world a favour if they hit me. No one would have to see my ugly face anymore. They said maybe I should just do the world a favour and kill myself. They said I am nothing but a pathetic loser who is a waste of skin.

I actually found this site to see how common this stuff is. It happens to me a lot, but I wanted to see if I could find people to relate to. I just don’t get why people have to be so mean to me.

Like I said, I don’t bug people. I keep to myself. I don’t force myself on anyone. I try to hide my face behind my hair. I do everything I can not to draw attention to myself but attention always finds me no matter what. I hate myself and I wish I could kill myself. I am still alive because despite the way my mom and sister have treated me, I don’t want to hurt them. I also have my two cats who I love and who need me to stay for them.

So every time an incident like this happens, I think of my family and my cats. However, I don’t know how much longer I can hold out. I should be able to walk down the street.

I’ve always been nothing but a good person. Sometimes I think maybe I was a bad person in my past life and so maybe I am being punished. Maybe I do deserve to be treated this way. Maybe I am actually a bad person. I think I am a good person but since it’s me, maybe I am being biased about myself. Maybe I am actually a horrible person and so my face makes up for my personality since I am the most hideous looking person. All I ever feel is contaminated for having an ugly face.

– Ashley

Location: Wendy’s in London, Ontario, Canada