Today, while I was changing my car’s front bulb in the parking lot of O’Reilly’s in New Haven (awesome staff, thank you for the great service) a guy came up to my car and remarked, “WOW! Look at you! Wait..but where’s your boyfriend?”
Usually in these situations, I try and diffuse the anger bomb that’s about to blow out of my mouth with some humor and a little bit of reality. So I responded with a laugh: “It’s 2019, we don’t need a boyfriend to change our headlights.”
Because it’s true- it is 2019, and I don’t need a boyfriend to change my headlight. Because I have hands. And the internet.
Unfortunately, this didn’t deter him from continuing to try and hit on me. He continued to comment on my appearance and eventually reached over and grasped a part as I was trying to put it back. I asked him to move away and give me some space. The whole time he was smiling, and while he didn’t seem quite “all there”, I wonder if part of the reason he didn’t leave me alone was because he wanted to believe that I didn’t mean what I was saying.
Even when I called him out that the only reason he came over to me was because he looked at me as an object rather than a human being, and that I was getting increasingly frustrated and angry that he wasn’t leaving me alone, he just kept talking about how he was patient, and could wait for me to come around. He dropped the Romeo act when I called out to an employee walking by that he was bothering me. The employee did nothing, and went inside.
Romeo turned and looked at me with his brows furrowed and told me I better watch out for myself. And then he asked me for my phone number. I got in my car and turned the keys, grabbing my phone- for what? To show him I had a phone? That I could call the police? What did it matter when all that separated us was a car window?
As he walked away from the shop, obviously never intending to go in, I took my chance to go inside and tell the staff that they should watch out for him. He followed me back into the store and protested to whomever would listen that he wasn’t bothering me or asking me out.
And then, he started to unbutton his jacket. I didn’t want to wait and see what was inside. I hurried to get in my car and leave. He followed me to my driver’s side window and as I flipped him off, he said, “You take care of yourself sweetheart. Have a blessed day. I love you. I would LOVE the chance to love you.” I bet he would.
I sped away in my car, hoping that the rev of my engine would frighten him. The traffic light forced me to stop at the entrance of the parking lot, where he would be walking by. He stared at me, but luckily didn’t approach my car and walked away.Maybe it was my dog staring at him in the passenger’s seat that deterred him. My intuition tells me this guy was not all the way there, in terms of mental competency.
Is this an excuse for his behavior? I wonder if he fully understood how much he was bothering me and how threatened I felt. Not because he hit on me, but because he wouldn’t leave when I asked him to, and chose to follow me.
I also have empathy for this man. I didn’t feel so much at the time of the incident, but as I try to understand why someone would do what he did, I imagine it didn’t feel that good to try and connect with someone and get shot down. It must be confusing to do what your everyone has taught you to do “no means yes,” and then not get the result you were expecting.
I bet guys get upset when the tactics they were taught by pickup artists fail, not because they are bad people, but because they are forced to face the fact that the reason they aren’t connecting with women on a physical level has nothing to do with “the game,” and everything to do with who their personality, self awareness, and level of self confidence. It’s easy to see when someone is trying to manipulate you by negging you or trying to make you feel weak, or worse, get you intoxicated.It’s sad when men are taught that these are the only ways they can connect with women or find physical intimacy.
I have experienced similar situations like this one with men who aren’t mentally ill. Who were taught, as I heard so times in high school and college, “no means yes, and yes means anal.”
When I was younger, I always felt weird hearing that expression. It wasn’t until the #metoo movement gained momentum, and that my friends and myself became statistics, that I realized how f**ked up that expression was and how sick our society truly is.
My experience is just once instance, one example of how men and women need to stop treating each other like we are playing roles in a Disney movie., from hitting on each other in parking lots, to calling each other “pussy” for showing any sort of humanity. If gender stereotypes continue to be taught and supported by mainstream society, we’ll keep living this #metoo nightmare, living the definition of insanity. We are starting to realize humanity isn’t a privilege, it’s a state we are all born into and deserve to live in.
To the person that harassed me today: I am not the damsel in distress; you are not the hero that is supposed to save me. I am not someone’s property, and you shouldn’t have to feel like anyone’s caretaker but yourself.
We are all just human beings. Let’s start acting like them.
– Abby Claire
Location: New Haven, Connecticut
Need support? Call the toll-free National Street Harassment hotline: 855-897-5910
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