I am absolutely fuming. I’ve been harassed twice this week but I can tell you what really annoyed me the most….
But first I will tell you the stories.
1) I went to bingo on Wednesday with my boyfriend and his mother. We usually go every week because it’s something I enjoy doing. Since joining, I have made friends with the older women. However, although shes friendly, there is one woman who keeps touching my chest. Because it’s summer and I sometimes wear low tops (which I’m entilted to wear) she makes jokes about how big my breasts are and ‘has a feel’. At first I just shrugged it off but now I’m starting to feel uncomfortable. If it were a man doing this, I’m sure I would of said something by now and I know my boyfriend wouldn’t of tolerated it. Because it’s a woman, I brushed it aside because it’s not (at least I don’t think) it’s sexually motivated. But now even my boyfriend is getting annoyed over it.
I don’t know what I should do. Should I say something? What do I say? I don’t want to offend her.
Also, this particular evening, I ended up walking out half way through the game. This was because another middle aged woman was giving me dirty looks (she does this every time) or she just stares blankly at me. I don’t know what her problem is but all I can say is that two years ago, she approached me in the street and accused me of harassing her daughter! I don’t even know her daughter. Up to now, I’ve managed to ignore her but this time I’d had enough. What tipped me was when she smirked at me when she saw I was visably upset. My boyfriends father is the bingo caller but after speaking to him about this issue, he said there was nothing he could do.
But what really frustrated me was when I told my gran about it and she suggested I could be imagining it! NO I AM NOT imagining it. That stupid cow has been giving me daggers every time I go there to enjoy myself and shes being allowed to get away with it and she’ll carry on getting away with it.
2) This happened when I was AGAIN walking back from my boyfriends house, yesterday. There were 3 teenagers walking infront of me and I swear they were deliberately walking slow so that I would catch up with them and they could harass me. They kept looking back at me and snickering to eachother. Then all of a sudden, the two boys yanked their trousers down and flashed their backsides at me! One even bent down so he could show off his full moon. I pretended not to notice and kept walking as slowly as I could a few yards behind them. But I was mortally disgusted. They couldn’t harass me closely so they had to do something to harass me from a distance. Once they disappeared, I got home and called the police. But they told me the line is only for emergencies and I would need to look into the direct enquries to report this incident. I wasn’t sure what to do. So I left it.
The next day (now this is the part which annoyed me) I told my boyfriend’s mother about the incident and she suggested that it was my fault because of what I was wearing! Her words – ‘Perhaps if you wore a jacket, they wouldn’t of done that’. I said what do you mean, it was warm. Then she said ‘Oh but come on, that top you were wearing reveals a lot’. I couldn’t believe she was blaming me. I wanted to scream. And I can tell you that the tops I wear do not show off a lot. A little cleavage but they’re not hanging out. What she said was the final insult. It is a classic comeback from someone who passes judgement on a victim of harassment. Only it is purely arrogant.
A message to you all
NO woman deserves to be harassed and it’s NEVER a womans fault.
– Clarice
Location: North Cornelly, Wales
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Sue Henderson says
I’m so glad you realise that none of this is your fault – despite what your boyfriend’s mother has to say about it. To be honest, her point of view belongs to the last century and 20 or 30 years ago. Thankfully some of us at least have learned better since then.
What it comes down to is your own integrity – of mind and body – of what you’re comfortable with and what you’re not – and what you do about it. The woman who keeps touching you up needs stopping in my opinion. She’s making you feel bad and you have the right to tell her to stop.
My advice would be to think about what you want to say to her right now, then tone it down to an acceptable level for the situation – then say it next time you see her. If possible pre-empt her. Stop her before she starts. A polite but assertive statement should do it and you seem very eloquent and intelligent so I’m sure you’ll come up with the best thing for you and the situation. You have the right to feel comfortable and if someone is intruding on that then you have the right to make them aware of it and to ask them to stop. If they take offence then frankly that’s their problem.
With regard to these stupid blokes I’m not sure what to suggest apart from a sharp implement – which unfortunately would probably be illegal. Shame really, think of the fun you could have had with Grandma’s Hatpin! Again though, not anything you did or could do anything about.
Concealed Weapon says
“I brushed it aside because it’s not (at least I don’t think) sexually motivated.”
It doesn’t matter if it is sexually motivated. If it makes you feel uncomfortable, you have the right to stop it. Harassment often is not sexually motivated.
“Perhaps if you wore a jacket, they wouldn’t have done that’. I said what do you mean, it was warm.”
I hate when people do this. I once witnessed a mother admitting to forcing her daughter to change her clothes because she looked like a slut. I called her out on this by saying it was 90 degrees.
Clarice says
Thank you for your comments. You’re both right and I think I’ll have to speak up if that woman touches me again. As for the boys, it’s such a shame that there was nothing I could do.
I’ve been harassed twice since posting this story. Some boys in a shop were standing behind me in the queue and were discussing on whether they ‘fancied’ me or not. I heard them say “You fancy her? ewww why would you fancy her?” I turned around and snapped at them to get some respect. The next day, wearing exactly the same outfit, a middle aged man with a child leered at me and said “You look very sexy tonight” whilst staring at my legs. I had just got out of my mothers car. I just hoped she didn’t notice as I would feel embarassed.
It’s never ending. It doesn’t matter what I wear, where I am, what I’m doing etc. I get harassed on a regular basis.
LS says
Thank you for sharing your stories and I’m sorry to hear about what has happened to you.
The woman touching your breasts needs to learn to respect the boundaries of other people. I would suggest naming the behavior, as suggested in Martha J. Langelan’s book, Back Off. You could simply say, “Stop touching my breasts. You are making me feel uncomfortable.” If she says she didn’t mean anything by it, I would just keep repeating like a broken record that you want her to stop touching your breasts and that you don’t like it. Just because a woman is doing this, does not make it acceptable. I don’t know what is the matter with some people.
As far as the teenagers exposing themselves to you, there is no evidence that they would not have done exactly the same crude thing if you did have a jacket on. Also, I’m really tired of people’s unrealistic expectations of women, such as wearing jackets on hot days. This society gives men and boys permission to treat us badly whether we wear something low cut or not. This society gives men and boys permission to blame us for what they are solely responsible for. What happened to all of us being responsible for our own actions? You didn’t make them lower their trousers, they did that all on their own. They alone are responsible for their actions and they need to be held accountable. Abusers will always try to pass off blame and shame to others. The trick is to not fall for that and don’t accept the shame or blame. I’m glad you’re not.
We shouldn’t tolerate harassers of any gender making excuses for their behavior by blaming someone else for what they are wearing. I mean if you really think about it, it sounds absolutely absurb: “She was wearing a low cut shirt so I had to pull my pants down and moon her.” My opinion is that your boyfriend’s mom was being unfairly judgemental of you.
Too many mixed messages are given to women as well. The advertising industry is devoted to telling women to dress sexy and alluring. When we do dress sexy, now we’re sluts and deserve whatever harassment we get. If we dress more conservatively, now we not hot or sexy enough. I have actually been criticized by women and men for being too conservative in my dress, not sexy enough. I had a woman friend ask me why I don’t show my cleavage and that I should show it more. So, you are criticized for showing cleavage and I’m criticized for not showing cleavage. Do you ever feel like we can’t win? That’s why I claim independence for myself from this crazy world and support the freedom of all women to wear what they damn well please because we can never live up to all the standards and expectations thrown at us.
I hope something I said was helpful. Take good care!