I used to play music so I’m no stranger to the stupid things that can come out of the mouths of arrested development types. Let’s say I’m desensitized to some extent. But what happened to me about a month ago went completely over the edge and I still smiled.
It’s official. No good deeds go unpunished. I was volunteering at the annual fundraiser for a great music series. Everything went well. After my shift, I went to have some dinner and had a few drinks. Then, a man who had passed by me several times while I was working struck up a conversation.
He struck me as reasonably intelligent, rather attractive and funny as well as quite drunk. Then, he let out a zinger. “You have beautiful breasts,” as he leered at them. Mind you, I wasn’t wearing anything very revealing. I laughed it off and kept up the conversation. Then he told me, “I bet your pussy is very sweet.” I laughed. I should have called security as this point but didn’t want to embarrass him or make a scene. Then, the third zinger, “I bet you get laid all the time.”
It all confused me so much. I ended hanging out with him on and off throughout the night and lost him at the end of the event. The next morning I felt uneasy about the situation so I posted a Missed Connection in Craigslist. Lo and behold, he answered it suspecting he would be getting one. Shock of shocks. I dropped a few big hints about his behavior the night before in the friendliest way possible. We wrote a little back and forth. He didn’t seem to understand what I was getting at.
Then, nothing. A week later, I was annoyed by the situation so I just leveled with him and how his behavior was completely unacceptable. No response. No “I’m so sorry. I was drunk” apology. Nothing. So I did more research on street and public harassment and found that my story was pretty bad. So I sent him a few emails urging him to give money to anti-street harassment groups listing the exact statements he made to me about my chest, genitals and sex life.
Now, he’s on my weekly sexual harassment story email list. He’s probably had all my emails thrown to spam since the beginning so he’s probably not even reading them. But it does make me feel better. I’m hopeful he’s learned that he can’t treat a woman like that ever. We’re not talking a young kid. This man is 42.
There is no excuse for his actions but if he had apologized up front — the minute he realized he may have said some inappropriate things, I would have been cool about it. After all, people get drunk and do things they regret. But real men apologize.
– Anonymous
Location: Prospect Park, Brooklyn, New York
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New York State of Mind says
“I should have called security as this point but didn’t want to embarrass him or make a scene”
On the other side of the coin, he had no qualms whatsoever of embarrassing you and treating you inappropriately. For that, you decided to “be careful of his feelings”??
You then “ended hanging out with him on and off throughout the night”. Green light, green light, GO. Would you have been surprised if you had some time later in the night been raped by him? Not saying that he would have been at all justified, but you were just so damn acquiescent to and accepting of his inappropriateness. “Hanging out” with a guy that immediately and unabashedly classified you as a sexual object from jump street? I really don’t understand that.
Not “blaming the victim” here… I’m just baffled as hell.
Your having this passive an attitude towards men that do this type of thing is a problem.
You are a sexual harasser’s dream. I’m just saying….
Anonymous says
New York State of Mind? Bullshit. No excuse. I would assume that one of the most progressive cities in the world would have some of the most progressive men. NYC has the highest percentage of attractive and intelligent women in the United States at least. Some of the best female DNA in the world. Men should be worshipping the ground women walk on if they know what’s good for them.
Blog Author says
New York State of Mind, you are so right. I was shocked at first by this man’s words. A decade ago, I would have put him in the hospital.
But I think I handled it right because he wouldn’t have remembered being thrown out or me getting ugly and raising a ruckus in the middle of a nonprofit arts fundraiser. At a dive hipster bar, I probably would have been more assertive.
But he’ll remember getting the what-for from a woman he had said horrible things to. If I hadn’t played it cool, he wouldn’t have sent me an email with a real address and name that I could send my weekly Sexual Harassment Headlines to. Plus, in my efforts to ensure that the person who responded to my MC was the person I was looking for, I googled him and discovered a band associated with his name. Didn’t see him in the photos so I nearly wrote them off. Then, I listened to their music. I liked it. Of course, you know what that means? Oh hell yes, I’m going to go to their gigs now. Make him feel as uncomfortable as possible.
The sad thing is: pretty boy-attention whores like that get rewarded for terrible behavior in NYC all the time and over and over again.
Concealed Weapon says
New York State of Mind, there’s no reason to criticize her actions. She already said that she should have called security. If your’re going to criticize anyone but the harasser, criticize society for normalizing the harassment or for raising women to not make a scene. I don’t blame her for not making a scene. I blame society for teaching her that she’s not supposed to make a scene.
Blog Owner says
This will make you all believe that there is justice.
For your information, I had complained about the fundraiser guest from hell to the event’s organizers. I felt a little strange about it but am glad I did in the end. They were already contending with another issue — some of the food made patrons sick. When I was contacted about it, I told them I had a little discomfort but don’t think it had anything to do with the food.
But then I decided that it was an opening to start a conversation about other issues — namely the drunk idiot insulting women at the gala — at least me but there could have been more who didn’t come forward. I could tell there were a little horrified. After all, who does that and a fundraiser for a nonprofit? This is not an 18-year-old man who has lived in a cave all his life.
I looked in my mail box yesterday an lo and behold, a letter from the arts organization. I was expecting a $10 gift certificate or something like that. What did I get? $150 gift card. I suspect they felt awful about what I had gone through. They obviously took my complaints seriously. It makes the whole strange situation a little better. Still, I didn’t deserve to be treated like that.
A subletter of mine had a strange experience recently on the subway where some drunk vagrant had harassed her and followed her. When she heard my story, she was even more shocked. “An educated man over 40 should know better,” she said. “How does he get women? Why would women settle for that?” Good question.
You have to realize that ultimately men who act this way toward women hate themselves deep down. They’re the least likely to get real attention from women and will take negative attention over no attention any day. When they actually do get attention from women that isn’t negative, they treat those women poorly because they don’t respect them for caring someone as vile as themselves.
But $150? Woo hoo! I could use it. Maybe I can find a real man to go out to dinner with me. Oh that’s right. I live in NYC. They’re hard to come by.
Also Anon says
Your Comments: yes, I admit, I was a drunken idiot. That is the extent of my excuse but my apology extends from the deepest part of my heart. You were quite simply the most amazingly gorgeous women I have ever seen. Things like that never come out of my mouth, most of the time. And certainly, those are the last words/gestures I would ever use in the presence of a woman such as your self. I meant to say, ” please, let me worship the ground you walk on, if only for 5 minutes if not for the rest of your life>” But, I don’t know, it was like tourette’s. It just didn’t come out that way. What I am trying to say is yes, I fucked up. It won’t happen again. I promise. Can you forgive me, just this once?????
Blog Owner says
You see. That’s all I’m asking for even though I doubt it’s the person I had in mind offering up this apology. It was more for him than me. Just so he understood that what he did should never be repeated. I don’t hate men and automatically assume they’re vile. You have to realize that the ones who perpetuate these actions are merely very unhappy with themselves. Still, it’s no excuse. However, it’s not something to dwell over too long.