I think my first memory of being harassed was when I was 14 years old and was taking a shortcut to school through the fields in Bountiful, Utah. A guy who was a senior and new to our town saw me and ran up to me. I remember I was wearing a new dress and felt so pretty and I was flattered that this older guy wanted to walk with me. He asked me my name, my age, and then he said, “I think you’ll do,” and he wrapped his arms around me and began to unzip my dress. I was horrified and I shoved him away and started to run and run and run. I remember finally looking back when I was at the bottom of the hill of the local Elementary school. He was at the top of the hill, hands on his knees panting.
After that I was afraid to ever be alone with any male my age or older. I was a friendly outgoing girl but I became tongue tied and fearful around males. I guess that’s when my gay radar came to me. I didn’t consciously know my friends were gay, but I seemed to feel safe around gay men and gay teens who didn’t look at me like a side of beef.
I eventually faced my fears and got married, but I have never really gotten over the fear of what a male can do to me. I still will never go to the woods or any place where I am alone to walk. I am fifty years old now, I moved from a small town in Northern VA to NYC last year. Ironically I could never walk through that town in VA without getting honked or whistled at. Now in NYC I actually suffer less, but I get winked at, looked up and down and given the thumbs up sign or comments like “Mama I want to take those tit-ties home and give them some good loving,” about once a week.
Often the whistles and comments come from males half my age. Inside I’m screaming good grief I could be your mother. But still it happens. And I can never quite shake the feeling of the fields in Utah and that morning so long ago. I have never talked back to my harasser. I want to be brave and confront them, but the fear of what they could do to retaliate is still too strong a fear inside of me.
