By: Gcobani Qambela, South Africa, SSH Correspondent

I recently read an interesting article in The Huffington Post titled “What We Wish People Would Say To Us On The Street”. The article covers the illustration by Norma Krautmeyer “which observes what people never say to women on the street.” This month I decided to talk to a small number of South Africans from across genders in various provinces in South Africa about the different ways they would like people to approach them in the street.

I believe street harassment in any form is unacceptable, but where necessary, how can men be better prepared to approach women in respectful and dignified ways in the street? What are the best ways to start a conversation with strangers across genders in a non-threatening way in the streets?

I spoke to gender activist and researcher, Rethabile Mashale, in Cape Town, in the Western Cape province of South Africa. She tells me that she has had her fair share of being subject to “catcalling and harassment” in the street. So what approach does she prefer when strangers, especially men approach her in the street? She says she has devised five basic alternatives. “The first is that a decent and genuine ‘hello’ and ‘how are you?’ which are followed by a genuine concern for whatever happens next” always work she says. Secondly she says “never lick your lips, or do a once over, over my body.

The person, thirdly, must look me in the eye instead of my tits” she continues. Fourthly she says while a clever joke can work, pick up lines are generally also unacceptable. She says lastly and mostly importantly “lead with getting my PERMISSION to engage in conversation, in fact, I would say that is the most important one” to get permission to talk and engage a person and quietly accept should she decline.

I also spoke to Amanda* in the province of KwaZulu-Natal. She told me she feels like street harassment is very degrading and that there is always a very “thin-line” between a stranger cracking a conversation and also at the same time harassing you. However the important distinction she made is that “Harassment is when I say ‘no’ and he doesn’t stop or if he feels the need to touch or say derogatory things to me.”

Tandokazi Mbopa, a university student in Port Elizabeth, in the Eastern Cape province, told me that she just does not want strangers approaching her in the street at all. This, she said, was born out of a horrible experience of being persistently harassed in the street. She told me that last year, she was walking and running late to school and a guy in a car kept hooting at her even though she ignored him. “He really didn’t get the hint ‘because he was driving next to me saying: ‘Oh, where are you going? Do you want a lift?’ as if I was going to get into that car after that hooting” she tells me.

Despite her declination to get into the car she says he refused to take a hint and kept driving slowly next to her saying, “Ooh, baby you’re hot. Baby you’re hot.”

“I felt like meat. The way he was looking at me. I was wearing track pants and a vest down to cover my butt… I wanted to change whatever was making him look at me like that and call me ‘sexy’” she tells me. “I don’t respect any guy approaching me on the street. I never will, unless if I’ve met you before – just not in the streets,” she concludes.

While these are only three interviews that I have included here, what emerged clearly from all the women I spoke to is that the key is consent and permission to approach and talk to women or anyone else in the street should be garnered clearly from the person who is being approached. If the women do not want to speak or engage then one should politely accept that. While Krautmeye’s illustration is encouraging, it is also important to remember that there are people with painful experiences like Tandokazi of dealing with harassers in the street even though the harassers probably thought they were saying something ‘nice’ to her. It is important therefore to treat even what appears to be ‘nice’ harassment with caution for it can also be traumatic for those on the receiving end. Consent and acceptance of a woman’s choice is thus critical in all cases, even if it appears that the guy is saying something that the woman would appreciate.

*The interviewee wished to remain anonymous.

Gcobani is completing his Masters in Medical Anthropology through Rhodes University, Grahamstown, South Africa. His research centres around issues of risk, responsibility and vulnerability amongst Xhosa men (and women) in a rural town in South Africa living in the context of HIV/AIDS. Follow him on Twitter, @GcobaniQambela.

By: Levi Grayshon, Manchester, England, SSH Correspondent

When you hear someone’s street harassment story, it is very easy to tell them “you should have…” or “If I was you, I would…”, but most of the time, it is not so simple.

Reacting in a certain way can only antagonise the harasser, placing the victim in a much more dangerous and/or hostile situation. In addition to this, it may be frightening for the victim to challenge their harasser, especially with aggression, particularly if they are alone and are being targeted by multiple people.

When harassed, it is easy to feel as though you are at fault. When a stranger is shouting lewd comments at you, or touching you, or wolf whistling at you, it is easy to feel small, hurt and under threat. It is hard to remember that it the harassers problem, and not yours. We are told as women to be polite, and that it happens because men are trying to show us that they find us attractive, but when telling friends about situations in which we were harassed we get asked why we didn’t act more assertively, so it’s little wonder that figuring out how to react to harassment is often so confusing, as well as scary.

Something that can make harassment situations a lot easier to handle is the involvement of allies in the street. When other men tell the harasser what he is doing wrong, it can soothe the problem. It is not ideal (and a world when harassers actually listen to the victim – wait, a world where there are no harassers – would be much better), but educating the harasser is a much better way to ease the problem, rather than fighting it with more aggressive behaviour. The recent youtube video, “Shit Men Say to Men Who Say Shit to Women in the Street” highlighted that not all men are on the same team as men who harass, and are willing to speak up against them. Unfortunately, in a lot of instances, bystanders feel uneasy about becoming involved.

Some more helpful Stop Street Harassment tips are to be firm with the harasser, and avoid being apologetic, whilst calling them out on their unsavoury behaviour, but without insulting them. Following on from this, try to avoid engaging further with the harasser (as tempting as it may be if they try to argue with you), and to keep moving, detaching yourself from the situation. As well as this, it may prove helpful to report the harasser, for instance, if they are wearing a uniform, or driving in a company vehicle. Even threatening to report them (especially to their employer) can encourage the harasser to see what they are doing wrong.

Even some institutions are going out of their way to ensure that women feel safer in public. For instance in Tokyo, women’s only carriages were introduced on the problematic Saikyo line a few years ago, the route used by many schoolgirls, and labelled a “gropers paradise” by many. Even male commuters welcomed the changes. But is segregation the answer? Would education not work better?

There is no right or wrong answer to the question “what should I do when I am harassed in the street?”, but there is one thing to remember– you are not the one in the wrong.

[Check out the new book 50 Stories about Stopping Street Harassers for more ideas.]

Levi graduated from university with a degree in Film and TV screenwriting this summer. As a freelance writer, she has been writing for The F-Word and Gamer-UK. You can follow her rants and ramblings on Twitter, @part_heart.

By: Tilly Grove, London, UK, SSH Correspondent

I was nervous enough about having to use the underpass in the early evening wearing my new dress, so when the men walking past decided to wolf-whistle at me, I was a little shaken. My immediate response in these circumstances is to contact someone, to make me feel less vulnerable; I chose to message a close male friend. Instead of the sympathy I had been hoping for, he replied, wistfully: “I’ve never been whistled at.”

It is a sentiment I have heard often from straight men; no matter how distressed street harassment evidently makes women, they’re positive that the inverse is something that they’d quite like. They like the idea that a woman might come up to them and grab their backside, or make comments that implied (or outright stated) sexual attraction. Some of them might even like the idea of another man doing these things to them. They think that when a stranger catcalls, wolf-whistles, or gropes you, they are merely revealing their attraction to you, and that this would be an incredibly flattering thing to happen.

It may be that this thinking is so flawed through lack of experience, but regardless, it is hardly surprising that street harassment is so prevalent when men feel this way. Even if these men would never themselves holler at women on the street or touch them without consent, the fact that they think the act is inherently complimentary means that they help perpetuate the behaviour. It means they’re less likely to challenge it.

But they are basing their opinion on what street harassment is like from a fantasy. Many men really can only dream of what it’s like. The fact is, it’s not someone coming up to you every now and then to tell you that you look good, or to ask you out. It’s not someone hot pinching your butt in a flirty way, or making their sexual attraction to you known. It is strange men who have no reason other than their evident belief of their entitlement over women to think that you want to hear their opinions or intentions, shouting explicit things at you from across the road or pawing at you without warning or invitation, every time you leave the house. We are sick of men objectifying us whenever we walk by, sick of men intimidating us whenever we go outside. It will never be a compliment in this context.

So, if men actually want to compliment women they see on the street, they should politely get their attention and talk to them. They should keep their hands to themselves, not shout, and not make inappropriate comments or noises. These things are not complimentary; they are disrespectful, and when they come from men who we are acutely aware could easily stalk or overpower us, they become terrifying. We know that the vast majority of men perpetrating street harassment are not doing it to flatter, because it is these methods which they employ most of all. We need men as a whole to acknowledge this, whether they choose to partake in it or not, if we have any hope of seeing an end to it.

Tilly is studying for a BA in War Studies at King’s College London, where she is writing her dissertation on the effect that perceptions of gender have on the roles which women adopt in conflict. You can follow her on Tumblr and Twitter, @tillyjean_.