By: Salidat Hamilova, in collaboration with Aikanysh Jeenbaeva, Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan, SSH Correspondents

English Version:

Very often men see it as their duty to guide women “onto the right path”, viewing themselves as the great moralizers and protectors of women’s morality, thus attempting to justify their harassment of us.

This “steering onto the right way” is achieved through constant admonitions, warnings, shaming, and sometimes direct intimidation of women and girls. The city of Bishkek, for instance, has witnessed the emergence of entire groups of individuals who seek to correct the “immoral” behavior of young women using methods of explicit intimidation and blackmail.

In this regard I would like to share a story of one young woman who came directly face to face with one of these intimidators:

This happened to a friend of mine, a young woman, whom, for the purposes of the story, we will call A. One time, returning from a birthday party, A. decided to take a taxi home. It was late, but she found a taxi near the house rented for the party and feeling fortunate, immediately approached it. The driver, a man, seemed trustworthy to her, since he was wearing a small hat that is usually worn during prayers and a short beard, which in our society is mistakenly taken as a sign of piousness and, therefore, decency. Moreover, the taxi had a sign of a well-known Bishkek taxi service on it, which added to its credibility.

Totally unsuspecting, A., who was in a hurry to get home, got in the taxi and the car drove away. However, after a couple of minutes, the decent and pious (as it seemed) taxi driver began asking A. strange questions, such as: “Why aren’t you at home? It is very late…”, “Don’t you respect your parents?”

This of course made her suspicious; meanwhile the taxi driver began to recount a story of how he recently drove home another client — a young girl who came out of a night club. After talking to her briefly, he came to the conclusion that she was ‘depraved’ and ‘flawed’, and as a punishment, dropped her off in an abandoned area, as far away from the needed destination as possible. He was bragging that before that he reduced her to tears by threatening her with physical violence.

Very frightened A. was forced to agree with him and his criticisms of her “bad behavior” and, trying to de-escalate the situation, explain to the schmuck that this was the first time she stayed out so late.

Suddenly, the car swerved from the main road and stopped near one of the city parks. The taxi driver, saying that he needed to meet someone, got out of the car and disappeared in the grove with several other men, who seemed to be waiting for him there. A., who at this point was terrified, in complete despair and completely clueless as to where to run in the dark and empty streets, decided to jump start the car and drive away to escape potential violence.

But just as she was trying to move to the driver’s seat, the man came back. He looked at A and having decided that she had been frightened enough, declared that he will take her home, if she promises to never again stay this late outside of home.

When I try to imagine what my friend must have felt during those moments, I simultaneously feel and understand her fear and admire her courage and wit – the idea to jump start and drive away the car was simply brilliant. While analyzing the situation, I try to put myself in her place and think about what I would do, what I would reply to the taxi driver and how I would react and sadly, I understand that there was not much that could have been done.

Where could one run away to at 3 AM in the middle of an empty road? How could one, in such a situation, change the mind of a self-righteous scumbag who was so sure of his ‘great’ role of “improving the moral appearance of young women”? The statement to the police would simply be ignored, since such cases are considered to be insignificant occurrences that distract police officers from “real and serious”crimes.

And this is not an isolated incident; there are many such “taxi drivers” who move around the city and intimidate young women. However, these cases are seldom talked about, since most girls who come face to face with them refuse to talk about their experience due to fear, sense of false shame, the reluctance to think about and remember what happened and other reasons.

But the most terrible thing is that such harassment is often mistaken for an expression of care and concern. I can provide a direct example here. When I shared with our common friend (who also knows the story) that I would like to write about this incident, she looked perplexed and asked me: “Why?! It was not harassment, he just scared her a bit as an older brother or a friend would!” This again illustrates that in our society harassment (even in extreme forms) is taken as a norm and even care!

Therefore, it is so important to talk about the different forms of harassment that we experience, share our stories and methods of reacting and resisting them and through this change the overall perception of harassment among the people and change ourselves.

Salidat is an undergraduate student at Kyrgyz National University and a dedicated volunteer at the Bishkek Feminist Collective SQ. Aikanysh graduated from the University of Freiburg with a degree in European Literatures and Cultures and recently from the Diplomatic Academy of the KR with a degree in International Relations. Aikanysh is a co-founding member and coordinator of the Bishkek Feminist Collective SQ.

Bishkek Feminist Collective SQ was founded in 2012 by activists from various communities of Bishkek city. Follow BFC SQ on Twitter, @bish_feminists and on Facebook.

 

Russian Version:

Автор: Салидат, в сотрудничестве с Айканыш.

Очень часто мужчины считают своим долгом “наставить женщин на истинный путь”, видят себя в качестве великих “морализаторов” и “охранников нравственности” женщин, тем самым оправдывая и обосновывая свои домогательства по отношению к нам. Это “наставление” осуществляется посредством постоянных предупреждений, пристыживания, а иногда и через прямое запугивание женщин и девочек. В Бишкеке, к примеру, появились целые группировки людей, которые стремятся исправить “безнравственное” поведение девушек, используя методы откровенного запугивания и шантажа. В этой связи, я хочу поделиться историей девушки, которая напрямую столкнулась с данным явлением.

Одна моя знакомая, назовем ее А., задержавшись на вечеринке в честь дня рождения подруги, решила вернуться домой на такси. Время было позднее, но она увидела такси недалеко от арендованного для вечеринки дома и, обрадовавшись такой удаче, сразу же подошла к машине. Водитель – мужчина вызвал у нее доверие, так как был в шапочке, которую носят во время молитвы и с небольшой бородой, что у нас в обществе ошибочно воспринимается как признак религиозности и порядочности. Тем более на машине была шашка известной службы такси Бишкека.

Ничего не подозревающая и спешащая домой А. села в такси и машина тронулась. Однако, уже через пару минут благообразный и верующий (с виду) таксист начал задавать ей странные вопросы: “Почему ты не дома? Поздно ведь…”, “А родителей своих ты уважаешь?”.

Это конечно не могло не заставить ее насторожиться, а таксист тем временем начал рассказывать моей знакомой историю о том, как недавно подвозил одну клиентку – девушку вышедшую поздно вечером из клуба. Разговаривая с ней, он пришел к выводу, что она “испорченная” и в наказание за это решил высадить ее в пустынном месте, подальше от нужного адреса. Таксист похвастался, что перед высадкой он довел ее до слез, угрожая физической расправой. Сильно напуганная А. была вынуждена соглашаться с ним и с критикой своего поведения и, пытаясь выйти из ситуации, объяснять подонку, что впервые задерживается так поздно.

Внезапно, машина свернула с основной дороги и остановилась возле одного из парков города. Таксист, сказав что ему нужно кое с кем встретиться, вышел из машины и скрылся в роще с несколькими другими мужчинами, которые очевидно ждали его там. А., пребывая в ужасе и отчаянии, и не зная, куда бежать по темным и пустынным улицам, решила завести и угнать машину, чтобы избежать потенциального насилия.

Но как только она начала пересаживаться на переднее сидение, вернулся таксист. Посмотрев на А. и решив, что она достаточно напугана, он заявил, что передумал ее наказывать и отвезет ее домой при условии, что она больше не будет оставаться допоздна вне дома.

Когда я представляю себе, что пережила моя знакомая в те моменты, я одновременно понимаю ее страх и восхищаюсь ее храбростью и смекалкой – решением не увеличивать агрессию водителя и оригинальностью идеи угнать машину. Анализируя эту ситуацию, я пыталась поставить себя на ее место и предположить, что можно было ответить водителю, как среагировать, что сделать и поняла, что, к сожалению, вариантов было очень мало. Куда можно было убежать в 3 часа ночи на пустой трассе? Как можно было в такой ситуации переубедить ограниченного подонка, уверенного в свое правоте и в своей “великой” роли “улучшать моральный облик” девушек? Заявление в милицию проигнорировали бы сами сотрудники правоохранительных органов, так как такие происшествия считаются несерьезными и отвлекающими внимание милиции от “настоящих”, серьезных преступлений…

И ведь это не единичный случай: таких “таксистов” разъезжающих по Бишкеку и запугивающих девушек множество. Просто такие происшествия замалчиваются самими девушками из страха, нежелания вспоминать об этом, из чувства ложного стыда и т.д. Но самое ужасное то, что иногда такое домогательство вопринимается как опека и забота о тебе. Могу привести конкретный пример. Когда я рассказала нашей общей подруге о том, что хочу написать об этой истории, то она недоумевая ответила: “Зачем?! Это не было домогательством, он всего лишь припугнул ее как старший брат, как друг!”, что еще раз показывает то, что в нашем обществе домогательство (даже в самых крайних формах) воспринимается как норма и забота!

Поэтому нам так необходимо говорить о домогательствах, делиться историями и способами борьбы с ними, менять представление людей и меняться самим…

 

By: Delia Harrington, Massachusetts, USA, SSH Correspondent

Recently I read an article on xoJane about street harassment while studying abroad.  It saddened me to hear how isolated the author felt, and how quick she was to cover her treatment  with a joke.  But I also recognized myself and my students in her.

I have been the girl who downplays street harassment abroad, even though I’m a vocal opponent of the same behavior when I am home.  So I started thinking about why we stay silent or laugh at off, and what makes street harassment different when studying or traveling abroad.

While there are some similarities, there are a few dimensions added to the reactions when a person is harassed outside of their own community.  Among these are ethnocentrism, racism, and a belief that women should not be traveling, especially not alone or somewhere dangerous.  The foreign nature of the location, culture, and perhaps language of the harasser can add a level of fear and doubt for the harassed person.  Some people who are not harassed at home will be harassed more frequently or for the first time abroad, because of how they are perceived in this new location.

We don’t speak up because we don’t want to hear from the naysayers back home.

If you’re traveling, you likely heard a bunch of horror stories about it before you left from everyone from your mom to casual acquaintances you meet at parties.  If you are female and going alone, you probably heard it more often and more stridently.  That goes double if you were going to a developing country, a Latin country, an Arab country, a Muslim country, or any place deemed otherwise “dangerous” or “culturally backwards.”

If we speak up about anything that is even remotely negative, these naysayers come back out of the woodwork.  See, it’s dangerous.  See, those people are terrible to women.  See, that’s why women shouldn’t travel alone.  See, you should have just stayed home.

We don’t speak up because we are given terrible advice.

As someone who has worked abroad, participated in five different study abroad programs, helped to lead three more study abroad programs, and worked as a study abroad administrator, I have heard it all when it comes to advising women on their safety abroad.  Some of the advice is incredibly helpful, but some of the advice is straight up apologist, victim-blaming crap.  Over the years I have heard faculty, staff, and administrators say things including:

* They should wear less revealing clothing
* That’s just the culture here so they should get used to it
* The men here just can’t help it
* That’s their problem and they need to handle it on their own
* They need to let it go–they shouldn’t react angry or cause a scene.

We don’t speak up because we aren’t taken seriously.

Perhaps worse than terrible advice is when someone laughs off your very real concerns.  I’ve seen this happen most egregiously when the bystander does not speak the language and therefore doesn’t actually have any idea what is being yelled.   It can also occur when bystanders so strongly identify with the host country that they are unable to speak critically about its shortcomings.  And finally if a bystander is never harassed themselves, they may give it little thought.  It is incredibly easy to say something is not a big deal or does not happen if it does not happen to you, and that makes it harder for someone to speak up the next time harassment happens.

I have stayed quiet for these reasons in the past. But I’m trying to speak up now, and I hope you will too. Chances are, others have experienced this type of behavior too.

In study abroad and international travel, we all think everyone else is having this perfect, fabulous time because that’s all anyone puts on Facebook.   We feel obligated to have a perfect time because of the effort and money we (and perhaps others) put into getting abroad.  Feeling like the only one who gets harassed can be isolating, shaming, or make a person believe they are overreacting.  Feeling like we can’t speak up because it will taint how people see our host country or it will seem ungrateful can make silence seem like the best option.

But remember: talking about street harassment is one of the only ways to diminish its power over us.

I don’t plan to ever stop traveling, and I cannot recommend enough that everyone study, live, work or volunteer abroad at some point if they are able to.  I won’t stop going to countries that are politically tumultuous, economically underdeveloped or culturally conservative compared to my home in the United States.  But I think it’s time that we are honest with ourselves and each other about what traveling abroad is really like for women, the good and the bad.  I believe that the only way to fully reclaim our right to explore this great big, wondrous world is to speak up and support each other, as loud and as often as we can.

Delia Harrington is a recent graduate of Northeastern University and calls Boston home. In recent years, she has found herself studying, working, and volunteering in Egypt, Cuba, France, Benin, the Dominican Republic, Turkey, Germany, and Greece.  You can read more of her writing on her blog, or follow her on Facebook and Twitter, @deliamary.

 By Nikoletta Gjoni, Maryland, USA, SSH Correspondent

The many times that I’ve gotten on the metro recently I’ve thought about an article I read a few weeks ago in The New York Times, How Not to Be Alone. The author, Jonathan Safran Foer, writes about the diminishment of daily human interaction due to the ever-rising use of technology and its tendency to isolate us. What I found to be both intriguing and significant in the article was Foer writing about a recent occurrence on the streets of Brooklyn:

A girl, maybe 15 years old, was sitting on the bench opposite me, crying into her phone…I was faced with a choice: I could interject myself into her life, or I could respect the boundaries between us. Intervening might make her feel worse, or be inappropriate… an affluent neighborhood at the beginning of the day is not the same as a dangerous one as night is falling. And I was me, and not someone else. 

 The significance of what Foer writes (with absolute knowingness) is that 1) an older man approaching a young girl on the street would be perceived as shady to most bystanders, and 2) that he confuses an ‘affluent’ neighborhood for a safe one; street harassment doesn’t discriminate according to zip code. The very real concern that he would come off as an intrusive and possibly threatening man to a teenaged girl is strong enough for him to want to keep his nose in his contacts list and completely ignore the situation. Foer doesn’t tell us what he ultimately decides to do, though he admits that “there’s a lot of human computing to be done.”

Though street harassment is by no means a new problem for women, it is perhaps more widely acknowledged today than it may have been in years past. Like countless of other women all over the world, I have had my fair share of unwanted gazes, comments, and contact. The only time I’ve had backup is when I’ve been out with friends. On any other occasion of simply walking to and from work or trying to look for a street name, help is almost never readily available.

It is disheartening to think that even though people can spot and disapprove of street harassment, few will say anything against the perpetrator. So when I stumbled upon an Avon Foundation tweet regarding a bystander behavior training program for sexual harassment, it reminded me of the work being made out there by different organizations to create awareness of when someone is being verbally or physically assaulted, and to step in when one can. It’s a reminder that when one is being attacked in a public space, it should be the duty of others around that person to jump in and strike down the harassment taking place. One would hope that if enough people partake in bystander intervention, it would eventually become the normalized behavior. Sometimes all it takes is a quick acknowledgment to let the victim know that she has not slipped through the cracks in the middle of a crowd.

So what do I do to deter unwanted advances? Precisely what Foer continues to write about in his article. I pull out my phone, plug in my earbuds, and blast my music. My girlfriends and I joke about how it’s a hassle whenever we forget our phones/ipods/ipads/kindles/earbuds. We joke about how we try to avoid eye contact in a crowded metro car – just in case! – because we have all had that one experience, that one time when we were approached just to be told that we look sad/angry/bored.

I sometimes wonder if it’s the healthiest fix to the problem. I know that in the process of trying to avoid unsavory people, you may miss out on conversing with the interesting ones. Foer recognized that his intentions may have come off as creepy or impure, and while I appreciate and also sympathize with his sensitivity to the matter, I would actually encourage him and other men to step up and speak up when their incentive is to be a good Samaritan. Being prejudged as a harasser is as sad as the harassment problem itself, and it’s something I consciously try to remind myself of whenever I am out in public.

Nikoletta Gjoni graduated from UMBC in 2009 with a B.A. in English Literature. After graduation, she did almost four years of freelance work in a D.C. broadcast station, in addition to having worked as a literacy and linguistics assessor for pre-k classrooms in D.C.’s charter schools.  To get to know her better, she can be tracked on both her creative blog and Twitter, @nikigjoni.