Stop Street Harassment

Making Public Spaces Safe and Welcoming

Sh*t Men Say to Men who Say Sh*t to Women on the Street

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Editor’s Note: Bix Gabriel and Joe Samalin are part of the NYC team that created the new video “Shit Men Say to Men who Say Shit to Women on the Street” that’s been viewed nearly 50,000 times in less than one day and was made for International Anti-Street Harassment Week.

When it’s cold, my nose turns purple. I’m self-conscious about it. To hide the offending nose, and because I was indeed cold, I wrapped half my face in a scarf as I stood in a park recently.

A man walking towards me said, “Hey, girl. You pretty under that scarf?” I stared at him for a nanosecond, then looked away. He kept at me.

“Show me your face.”

“You pretty?”

“C’mon, look at me.”

My eyes stayed down, my ears pretended deafness. He passed me and I remained still. Then I breathed. And then it came: “Yeah, thought so. You ugly.”

The irony: At that instant, my partner Joe and other guys were 50 feet away, filming the video “Shit Men Say To Men Who Say Shit to Women on the Street”. They were saying things on-camera that I wanted someone to say in life. Right then. To that guy. They were things I could have said. But I didn’t. I hate admitting it but I was afraid. And I felt helpless. And the more I think about it, the madder I get. Because this is not my job. It’s not my job to be on guard every second; to defend myself constantly; to fight against every male gaze on me, wherever I am, whatever I wear.

Whose job is it? I understand that ending street harassment is everyone’s problem. But committing it is not everyone’s choice. So I can’t accept this equation, where some men choosing to harass = unsafe streets for all women. This is why men who don’t harass have the job and the obligation – not to protect women (we can take care of ourselves; we have loads of practice) but to hold all men accountable….

When I hear stories like the one my partner Bix shared above, I am left feeling this pain and nausea in my gut, a shitty and sad feeling I carry with me. This feeling is a gift that I struggle to hold on to and fight tooth and nail to keep present in my mind and heart. Because otherwise I will forget, I will lose it, and it will become again that much harder for me as a straight, white, heterosexual and cisgendered guy steeped in privilege to keep the struggle necessary and constant, alive and vital. That is how privilege works – it is its very nature.

I have worked to prevent violence against women for years. And yet while collaborating to create this video, I have been seeing the violence men commit against women with fresh eyes. Being 50 feet away from Bix as it happened to her brought home to me how pervasive street harassment is, and how unaware of it we as men can be.

And yet this video came about the way it did because today men – straight, gay, young, old, of all races – are asking what we can do to change things. But knowing the right words means nothing without the recognition of the violence all around us and the will to challenge and stop it consistently. Not – as Bix said – to protect women, but to hold ourselves and other men accountable for our violence and our silence. That is our responsibility.

I still fail way more often than I succeed. But the times I fail and get back up and try again (which isn’t always the case and isn’t always easy to do) that is the real work. This is what we as men NEED to do in order to be true allies to the women and girls around us, whether we know them or not.

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How to Be a Good Guy on the Sidewalk

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“A number of men have asked us the same question recently: if you’re walking on a dark street near a lady, how can you let her know you’re not a threat? So this week, we offer some tips for dudes who’d like to help women feel more comfortable in public spaces,” writes Anna North on Jezebel.

In her article, you can find suggestions for how men can be non-threatening to women. The advice is given by Neal Irvin, executive director of Men Can Stop Rape, Joanne Smith, executive director of Girls for Gender Equity, Emily May, executive director of Hollaback!, and me, founder of Stop Street Harassment.

Here’s one example of the advice:

“Make a call.

Irvin described a time when he was walking behind a woman who was becoming visibly agitated by his presence. One trick he tried to set her at ease was calling his fiancee on his cell phone. Obviously just making a phone call doesn’t mean you’re not a threat — but it could be a way of showing a woman that you’re not focused on her. Depending on the situation, this could be enough to make her feel better.”

Read the rest at Jezebel and share the article widely with all the good guys out there!

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College men share tips for stopping street harassers

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I love the work that Men Can Stop Rape (MCSR) does to challenge harmful definitions of masculinity and to empower men to be allies with women in ending gender violence. Their latest project is a new campus bystander campaign called Where Do You Stand? aimed at men.

This comprehensive campaign uses billboards, posters, T-shirts, bystander intervention trainings, and peer-education sessions to equip young men with the necessary skills and tools to intervene when they see a situation that doesn’t look right, including street harassment.

On January 31, they officially launched the campaign during an MCSR bystander training for about 30 young men at Georgetown University in Washington, DC. I attended and spoke at the beginning for a few minutes.

The main portion of the workshop was role playing and brainstorming responses to scenarios.

They also talked about barriers that prevent bystanders from intervening and brainstormed a list of methods for intervening, such as providing a distraction or addressing the harasser head on (see a photo of the list they created).

The first few scenarios they discussed focused on intervening in questionable situations at college parties. The last example on street harassment kept me furiously scribbling notes.

One of the facilitators described a group of men standing on a corner near a building, street harassing women going by. He asked the young men how many of them had seen that happen before and more than half of them raised their hand. Then he asked the for their ideas for dealing with this scenario. Here are some of them:

1. Say, “Yo, chill son,” to slightly call them out on the behavior.

2. Directly point out what they’re doing and say, “This is unacceptable.”

3. Use public ridicule to call them out or silence them…though a few young men pointed out that is okay if you know the harassers, but if you don’t and you call them out like that, you may “get whooped.”

4. If it’s your group of friends, tell them, “That’s not cool,” and if they keep it up, say you’re out and walk away. Chances are they’ll back down then. Another guy similarly suggested saying, “If this is how you’re going to spend your night, I’m leaving. This is not okay.”

5. Reverse catcalling the men can be effective. They don’t know how to respond or what to do.

6. If it’s a friend doing it, tell him that it’s not the right approach to take but to be the respectful gentlemen he is if he wants to meet someone.

Some other interesting things the young men said:

* Guys who catcall wouldn’t be my friends because that’s the rudest thing they can do and I’m not okay with that.

* Men catcall because there are other men around. It’s a way to demonstrate their masculinity while riding with your crew or walking down the street. So figure out why your friends feel they have to prove their masculinity to you and address that.

* If you establish yourself as a person who doesn’t laugh at catcalls, then it won’t happen around you because they won’t use that as a way to try to impress you.

* Intervening is hard, but once you do it, it will pay off. People will know you’re the guy who doesn’t like that behavior and others will call them out on it if they do it around you. Maybe they will still catcall when you aren’t around, but it’s a start. The benefits of intervening far outweigh the consequences.

I left the workshop pumped. I know there are plenty of men out there who want to help stop gender violence and harassment, but I’d never been in a room full of them before. It gives me hope! I hope you will share their bystander tips (and others from the Stop Street Harassment website) with friends and family. And if you’re on a college campus, consider bringing the Where Do You Stand? campaign to your school!

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“It’s better to intervene”

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I was at a college bar and I witnessed a man touching a woman’s butt while she was moving away from him and closer to her friends. By what I saw there was a chance that he was harassing her and she was moving toward her friends for safety. I asked her if she knew him, and she said he’s her boyfriend. Apparently she was not being harassed and was moving away from him because she wanted to talk to her friends.

This is what many bystanders are afraid of: intervening when there’s no harassment going on. But like this scenario, it really wasn’t that bad. She just told me that he was her boyfriend, and that was the end of it. I intervened because I remember somewhere else I witnessed a man grinding on a woman who didn’t know him (that time it turned out to be true), and I took advantage of the crowded place by blocking his access to her as she walked away. I know that it’s common in crowded places. It’s better to intervene and be told by her that she’s not being harassed than to watch the harassment and allow it to happen.

– Concealed Weapon

Share your street harassment story today and help raise awareness about the problem.
Find suggestions for what YOU can do about this human rights issue.

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Men Who Say No to Street Harassment

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This Blog is part of the Men Say No Blogathon, encouraging men to take up action against the violence faced by women. More entries to the Blogathon can be read at www.mustbol.in/blogathon. Join further conversation on facebook.com/delhiyouth & twitter.com/mustbol

When it comes to ending street harassment, men must be part of the solution. Fortunately, many men know this and are doing important work to say no to street harassment, including intervening when harassment occurs and raising awareness through writing and speaking.

My dad and my male partner frequently say no to street harassment by talking to other men about the issue and attending anti-street harassment events. This year my dad even represented Stop Street Harassment at two events and he always wants to know what more he can do (thanks, Dad!). They remind me every day that there are plenty of men out there who WANT to be part of this work, they’re just not sure how.

Here are some ways men are saying no, and you can find three campaign ideas to implement with young men at the end. Hopefully this information can provide examples to other men for taking action and inspire them to say no, too.

2 Men Intervene:

While many harassers only harass women when they are alone or they harass women in such a way that no one else realizes what is happening, there are many times when they do blatantly harass women in front of others. A bystander saying or doing something could make a big difference in ending the harassment scenario, helping the woman not feel alone and safe, and making it clear that the harassing behavior is socially unacceptable.

Here are two stories of men who’ve intervened.

1. When they noticed young men harassing a female university student walking by herself f in Delhi, India, Prakeet and his friend took action: “We hurriedly went to the girl, passing by the boys, and started walking by her sides and began joking about school life. At first she didn’t notice, perhaps because she was busy in figuring out how to get out of the mess she was in. Soon she noticed the halt in lewd remarks. The boys following her were still following us. I passed a smile to her and she returned it back. Within no time we reached Metro Station. Not saying much she thanked us for our help. We parted our ways. She went off to catch a bus while we took  the Metro. This was the first time I ever took such a step and perhaps the first time I ever saw eve-teasing and dared to intervene before it could turn ugly.”

2. CJ, a man in Walsall, UK, shared how he intervened: “I walk to work with a friend and she has been shouted at, verbally harassed, had drivers slow down whilst passing her and, when in my car, other drivers make rude gestures and shout at her…The worst behaviour has been from the contractors working on the roadworks outside our office. After reading some of this website last night, I went over to the workmen, whilst they were staring and letching at my friend and told them to stop as it was threatening and unwelcome. I then went back into the office, called the company involved and reported the complaint to the director and backed it up with an email. I have received an email response stating that they would investigate my complaint and proceed with disciplinary action where appropriate. My friend was scared and didn’t feel able to say anything to the contractors; I asked her if it was OK for me to speak up for her and she said yes.”

7 Men Write:

Raising awareness through blogging, tweeting, Facebook posts, and articles can help raise awareness that street harassment happens and that it’s not okay. Men sharing this information with their guy friends is so important.

This year, many men wrote eloquent posts for the Stop Street Harassment male allies series:

1. “While most men I encounter on a daily basis, to my knowledge, do not harass on the street, most that harass are men. As men, our silence is deafening and we continue to ignore the canary in the mine which says our community needs to deal with issues of gender and power. Until we see street harassment as the problem that it is, we’ll continue to live in our neighborhoods like the miner who labors in a mine with a dead canary, until it’s too late to get to safety.” Read the full post.

By: Dr. L’Heureux Dumi Lewis, Assistant Professor at the City College of New York

2. “Irrespective to what your ‘friends’ think always question your own double standards and attitudes. Avoid laughing at sexist jokes simply to humor them reminding yourself you might offend someone. Do not repeat what your fathers did. Believe me there is no place in the Men’s community for perverts.Your attitude towards strangers reflects your upbringing at home. Besides you wouldn’t want your mother or your sister to go through the exact same thing.” Read the full post.

By: Mohnish Moorjani, founder of  Shoot At Sight

3. Read views from young men like Sean Crosbie, Nicklaus Weinheimer, Christopher Smith, and Relando Thompkins who contributed to the Stop Street Harassment male allies series.

4. Yashar Ali wrote a wonderful piece for Huffington Post about street harassment which spread widely via social media. It is called, “Men Will Never Truly Understand a Day in the Life of Women — But Shouldn’t We Try?”

3 Men Speak Out:

Quite a few men are publicly speaking out about street harassment. This is also very important to help bring attention to the issue and change its social acceptability.

1. Hear what Jesse Morgan in Baltimore has to say:

2. Joe Vess from Men Can Stop Rape gave a talk about it:

3. The Astronomical Kid is probably the most well known:

3 Great Campaigns:

1. Are you on a college campus? Order Men Can Stop Rape’s new bystander campaign, Where Do You Stand? It includes information and a poster on street harassment.

2. Do you work with teenage boys? Use Young Women’s Action Team’s new toolkit, Where Our Boys At? A Toolkit for Engaging Young Men as Allies to End Violence, created after they conducted surveys and focus groups with boys.

3. Are you a mentor to a young man or young men? Download the Coaching Boys into Men toolkit, produced by Futures Without Violence. It includes lessons on street harassment.

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