Stop Street Harassment

Making Public Spaces Safe and Welcoming

A male ally in New Delhi, India, speaks out – part 1

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[Editor’s Note: This is part 1 in in a 3 part series. You can read parts 2 and 3 later this week]

These are real life stories. Narrated as it happened.

I was at the super market getting late for work and needed to pick up some milk. This is a super market that I frequent often and I know most of the people who work there by their first names and they know me well too.

This new girl had joined recently, like a month back and wasn’t very sure how to handle customers, especially male customers. She was on duty at the check out counter, and I could see a couple of rough looking guys getting their groceries checked out by her. One of the guys stood to the left side and started to hand out the stuff from the cart and the other stood to the other side with a huge sack in his hand.

The girl started to bill the stuff and pass them on to the other guy to put them in the sack. In a couple minutes, while I was looking at them trying to figure out what their intentions were, the other guy then lowered the sack to the floor and opened the top of it and requested the girl to pop the stuff in it. The girl threw in the vegetables but for other groceries she obviously had to bend  from the waist a bit. The guy holding the sack lowered the mouth of the sack a little bit more and very happily ogled inside her shirt each time she bent down.

Needless to say, this incident angered me. There were other people behind me in line who were getting irritated because the girl was doing a slow job, or so they said and the other counters were still closed.

The guy passing out the stuff from the cart bent over to pick up something from the very back of the cart and that was when I saw the ID hanging from his neck. He was a Delhi Police officer. They both were Police officers. (New Delhi, Capital city, India)

That was when I did what I do best. I kept my milk on the counter and moved behind the counter to help her out everything in the sack.

The two cops were angered by this, and humiliated too. They managed to figure out I guessed what they were up to and that must have embarrassed them somehow, or so I’d like to think.

After that, they moved out real quick and the girl still had no idea what those two had been up to.

Another guy who worked there figured it out and murmured me a thanks, and I sure hope he did coach his new comer colleague how to handle such customers from now on.

I remember another incident very vividly. I was standing in line at a fast food pick up place. There was a young teen girl standing in line ahead of me and some guys standing a little away towards the right. Apparently those guys had already ordered and were waiting for their food to be packed. The girl in front of me placed her order and stood to the side. I ordered and I moved back too. The girl was wearing a tee and jeans and a jacket, with no skin visible. The guys standing a bit away were constantly staring at her, and they must have been in their 40’s at least. Pretty soon, the girl became aware of their stares and became a little uncomfortable too. I didn’t know what to do or how to react, so I just moved from where I was standing and stood between the guys and the teen girl. The teen girl was petite and the guys ogling at her couldn’t see her anymore standing besides me so they soon lost interest.

The guys got their food and left, the girl got her food and left. She did not look back or anything, but I’m sure she realized for a moment that there are some good folks in this planet. Very few, it seems to me though.

[Come back tomorrow to read Part 2]

– Tbg

@TbgDgc

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End-It Super Bowl Commercial Bingo

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Will you be watching the Super Bowl this Sunday? I will be sort of watching it (probably doing something else while it’s on in the background and my partner and possibly some of his friends watch it), and I’m dreading the commercials. Objectification of women. “To be manly you must do X, Y, Z” messages. General sexism and homophobia. Sadly, the stereotypes and violence-tolerant messages so many marketers use for these commercials contribute to street harassment and  harassment and violence in general, whether we want to acknowledge it or not.

Via the Men’s Anti-Violence Council’s blog, I found out about a bingo sheet for the commercials produced by Riverview Center in Iowa. If you participate, you can enter a drawing for prizes. I’m going to print it out and use it! And then I’ll report back on it next week and use it to channel some of the frustrations I’ll undoubtedly have after viewing the commercials.

Thanks, Riverview Center & MAC!

And, on a related topic, Jackson Katz gives suggestions for how you can make the focus on Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger a teachable moment for boys and young men in light of his two recent sexual assault allegations.

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Not just a sec

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One-second.

It probably took you one second to read that.  Which may be why I think one-second isn’t usually considered a long time.  It’s been ingrained so deeply in me that one-second isn’t a long time. I mean, my whole life I’ve used one-second to communicate that I would be available immediately.  When I’m on my way out the door,

“Ben, it’s time to go!”

“One-second!”

But, that’s how it has worked in my private life. Out in public, feminism has got me reconsidering how long one-second really is.  I just need a minute to explain.

To all the single folks out here, I’m not sure if you can relate to this, but do you ever have one of those moments where you end up seeing somebody who is just so dang beautiful? So amazing it kinda hurts, right? Like, “wow, that person is way out of my league.”

*Lonely sigh*

Even though I really don’t believe in the whole “league” system and I’m more of a beauty is deeper than the skin kinda guy, I end up having those moments.

But, what about those moments that last a little longer than one second? Have you ever had or noticed somebody having one of those? Maybe a couple seconds, maybe a head turn, or maybe staring.  These are the moments that feminism asks us to recognize as problematic. Feminism asks us to unravel the thread of events leading up to this and diagnose how this ends up happening. Not so surprisingly, a sex, gender, sexuality analysis ends up doing the trick.

I try to speak from my own perspective. So, I’m writing this article as a cisgender man with heterosexual privilege.  I’ve been trained to feel preeeeetty comfortable taking up a lot of space.  I’ve also been taught that “normal” sexuality for me is to be voyeuristic. Put these two together and I’m taught to stare. Which is a tidier way of being honest; it’s ogling. In a heterosexual context, I’m told women are mere objects for me to enjoy.  So, I’ve been trained to look at women. I mean LOOK. So then these seconds that last a little longer are considered ok.* I’m taught that if I’m noticed, look away. Furthermore, if I suspect they’ve turned the other direction, even slightly, then the coast is clear.

But, the coast clearly isn’t. Over time, I’ve been blessed to have been exposed to blogs like this, organizations like hollaback!, Men Can Stop Rape, and countless others that say “waaaait a minute, what you’re asked to do has serious negative repercussions”. I sincerely thank them. These organizations have given me the analysis to realize that the one-second difference between one-second and two seconds can be huge. It can be the difference in somebody’s comfort, it can be the difference in somebody wanting to go with out sunglasses on a cloudy day or having to wear them to look uninviting. It can be the difference between the fastest route home, or, the longer route to avoid more attention. Or maybe it’s the difference between somebody keeping their head up or looking at their feet.  No matter what the impact is, there still is an “is”. There’s still an impact.  One-second may not be harassment. I’m not really sure. But, I am sure that cumulatively, it is.

It has taken me a long time to realize that harassment isn’t always verbal, and it took one-second to prove that to me.

* To be clear, this post isn’t try to create a formula for what constitutes harassment. It’s not about one-second, or two-seconds. It’s not about counting seconds. It’s more about realizing that every second counts.

 

– Ben Privot
Founder, The Consensual Project
www.theconsensualproject.com

This post is part of the weekly blog series by male allies. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.

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Street harassment syndrome: why men need to step up before it’s too late

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Street harassment is thought by some people to be nothing more than harmless banter between the sexes.  Others see street harassment as the front lines in a battle between the genders.  I view street harassment as a more far reaching issue.  I believe street harassment can be described as a cultural disease that attacks the basic civility of society.

On the surface, street harassment shows itself in the form of inappropriate and threatening behavior by men towards women on the street or in other public areas. This learned behavior is infectious with certain urban areas such as New York City and Washington DC experiencing street harassment in epidemic proportions.

Beneath the surface, this disease, which I call Street Harassment Syndrome (SHS), is ripping the civil fabric of society. While SHS may have the most immediate effect on the young girls and women who are harassed, its damage doesn’t stop there.  SHS causes a degenerative cycle in the manner in which people treat each other.  Both men and women become accustomed and conditioned to treat each other with rudeness and indifference as opposed to politeness and compassion.

The less obvious, but wide spread symptoms of SHS can be seen in large cities where street harassment is the norm.  Some of these symptoms are (in no particular order):

  • The majority of women are afraid of men they encounter on the street.
  • Some men exhibit highly aggressive behavior towards women on the street.
  • The majority of women purposely ignore men they see on the street.
  • The majority of men become accustomed to being ignored by women on the street.
  • Some men view the majority of women as “bitches”.
  • Some women view the majority of men as “assholes”.
  • Some women change their routines and style of dress to avoid the attention of men on the street.
  • Both men and women become accustomed to “not getting involved”.
  • Some women develop angry reactionary responses to males.
  • Some men develop angry reactionary responses to females.
  • Men and women engage in a destructive cycle of finger pointing and blame.
  • Some women develop generally lower feelings of well-being.
  • Some men become passive and intimidated of more verbally aggressive men.
  • The majority of women learn to be silent and passive to verbal abuse.
  • The majority of men see “calling out” to women to be acceptable behavior.
  • Some men learn that outwardly aggressive behavior is an effective method to dominate both women and men.

The above examples are just some of the negative side effects of SHS.  The majority of these symptoms can be summarized as lowered feelings of safety, well-being, and civil behavior in the general population.

An incident of harassment is the wound that allows the entry of SHS into the culture.  Just like a contagious infection, the more incidents that occur, the faster the disease is able to spread throughout the culture.  What stops the inflection is a strong response from all members of society that both refutes and repels the behavior as it occurs.  Outspoken social disapproval from both men and women is needed in order to contain the spread of Street Harassment Syndrome and to ultimately remove it from society.

– Erik Kondo

Erik is the founder of the self defense nonprofit Not-Me!

This post is part of the weekly blog series by male allies. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.

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An early inspiration about street harassment

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Several years ago I worked at a manufacturing plant for a large company.  One of the goal areas for the year was to raise awareness of racial diversity and to improve the workplace for people of color.  Although I was raised with a strong sense of the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” and I thought this was a great way to live one’s life, I was startled to learn a new paradigm, “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them”.

I draw a lot of inspiration from this lesson when I think about males interacting with females.  As a male, I get it that men (at least a lot of men) may take it as a compliment and like it if a woman on the street said something to them like, “Hey baby, looking good today”.  But men, the point is that it isn’t about us.  It is about the woman/women we are in public with and what she/they want(s).

What do women want from men?  Of course I can’t speak for all situations and all women (or men).  But from my personal experiences and those that I read about, there are some near universal truths:

  1. Women don’t want personalized, focused interaction with men they don’t know in most daily public settings. Unfortunately men bring with them the collective baggage of all the creepy men past and present who have ever been rude, offensive or worse. So regardless of our intentions, we must realize that the female we are going to potentially interact with don’t know if we are one of the good guys or not.
  2. That said, men need to be smart enough to match the interaction with the situation.  That is, certain interactions with women we don’t know depending on the situation are ok for the street, in line at a store, when at a sporting event, a party, etc.
  3. Men need to make sure to help mentor other men and younger males.  Face it, men are pretty clueless about interactions with women and need help!  We don’t have to be crusaders (or maybe we do) but persistent, quiet example can/will go a long way to making a difference.
  4. Although I personally find opportunities are rare, men need to help women when they see they are being harassed.  Simple things like diverting the attention of the harasser (ask them a question) to actually confronting the harasser, will stop the situation.

It is sad to realize on the one hand, the incredible innovations of the past decade and contrast that with some of the incredibly hard incidents of harassment we read about on this blog.  Men, let’s make a difference today.

– Alan Kearl

This is the first post in a new weekly series written by male allies who have volunteered to share their experiences with and view points on street harassment. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period, and the voices of male allies contribute to these goals. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.

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