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“It made me feel disgusting and verbally abused”

August 19, 2017 By Contributor

I decided to walk to the bank from my office since it is only two blocks away. I wore a cardigan over a tank top since it was chilly in the morning but by midday it was hot, but I still decided to keep the cardigan on because I might attract attention wearing just a tank top. One block into the business district, a man twirling a sign saw me and began to make comments about my body, making kissing noises and licking his lips.

It made me feel disgusting and verbally abused, I did not give this person any authority to talk to me and less to make me feel inferior. I did not reply as I tried to process what he had just said and kept walking, hoping that ignoring it would make me feel better, but I just felt worse for not standing up for myself.

Optional: What’s one way you think we can make public places safer for everyone?

Making public spaces cleaner, having more lighting, enforcing policies that protect public space.

– DV

Location: El Monte, CA

Need support? Call the toll-free National Street Harassment hotline: 855-897-5910

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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

Indonesia: Psychological Effects of Street Harassment

August 18, 2017 By Correspondent

Astrid Nikijuluw, Serpong, Banten, Indonesia SSH Blog Correspondent

Street harassment or other kinds of harassment can cause psychological harm. Unfortunately not many people realize that simple things such as ‘whistling’ or ‘catcalling’ can be the beginning stages of further harassment.

Image courtesy of Reynitta Poerwito Muthalib. Dressed by @oenomel.id

In this article, I interview Indonesian Psychologist Reynitta Poerwito Muthalib about her views on the topic.

She works as a Clinical Psychologist in the Eka Hospital and does free online counseling.  She occasionally appears on the Indonesia Morning Show from Net TV.  She also actively shares her knowledge through seminars and school visits. She has a bachelor’s degree in Psychology from Queensland University of Technology in Brisbane, Australia, and a master’s degree in Psychology with a focus on Clinical Psychology from the University of Indonesia.

Astrid Nikijuluw (AN): How do you define the street harassment according to your terms?

Reynitta Poerwito Muthalib (RPM): For me, street harassment, just like other harassment, has the straight line of what people do (verbal or non verbal) that makes other people feel threatened/uncomfortable/afraid/disgraced, both implicitly and explicitly. This happens, unfortunately, to a wide range of ages of people, from the very young to the old.

AN: What street harassment experience irritates you the most?

RPM: When I was about 13 or 14 years old, I went to a traditional market by myself. While I was passing a crowd of men, they whistled at me. I ignored them and tried to walk as fast as possible. Suddenly, one of those men came to me and walked by my side and made fun of me. I was so afraid and at that point I could not think of anything else but to just get away from that place as soon as possible. Yes, I was very young but the memory still vividly haunted me sometimes.  That kind of behavior is not acceptable at all.

AN: How did you cope after that happened to you?

RPM: The first thing I did was to increase my self-awareness. Because that market was part of my everyday route of going to school, I chose to take a longer route to try to avoid it occurring again by half circling the market instead of taking a direct route which went past the area where I had my incident. Sometimes I felt anger about this and just wanted to fight back but I felt it was no use. It was so frustrating to feel helpless about it.

AN: Can you explain, based on your expertise, the psychological effect of street harassment?

RPM: I would say there are three major factors:

1. First is the personality of the victim.  If the victim tends to face a distressing situation more often or has a better self-managing strategy for stress then the effect would not as bigger as it is on others who are vulnerable. Both sides can feel the thread, the disgrace, the scare, but to those who are –what people usually say- stronger would not be as affected as the others who are not as strong.

2. Second is the type of harassment itself. The deeper the harassment then the greater level of effect on the victim.  For example, if the harassment is whistling or cat calling, the victim might just ignore it and walk away or maybe in some cases, fight back. But on the other hand, if the harassment reaches the levels of threatening words, such as, “I’ll be watching you”, then the psychological effect for the victim is deeper.

3. Third is the victim’s history. If the victims had other harassment experiences before, then they may be more traumatized compared with others who have not yet experienced other types of harassment before street harassment. For example a young girl who used to be bullied at school or have abusive parents at home might be more affected just by hearing a whistle on the street than someone who was just a happy young girl.

In my experience, street harassment and other forms of harassment such as bullying and abusive treatment can impact victims several ways. They may feel depression, have high levels of anxiety and experience low self esteem.

AN: How, in your opinion, can we prevent street harassment?

RPM: The first thing to bear in mind is that how you dress is not directly proportional to street harassment. Do not put blame on the dress you wear because you should be free to wear anything you want.

The first phrase that comes to my mind answering your question is the phrase that our president uses in every situation: “MENTAL REVOLUTION”.  I use this phrase because harassers are threatening the victim’s private rights and acting on low-morality. They do not consider other people’s feeling and tend to act oppressive to the victim. Their conscience is not honed enough to bring empathy toward others.

People are born with enough conscience to feel compassion and love for each other. The lack of those factors brings us back to parenting. It starts at home and how parents raise their kids to accept differences are crucial. We in Indonesia live under patriarchal rule, therefore the understanding of how to appreciate women while still being a good patriarch is very important.

Therefore the mental revolution should start from the very beginning since it is easier to design moral obligation for children than those who are already teenagers or older. Technology awareness nowadays also is a challenge for parents because it is accessible for children.  Accompany your child in watching movies so they will not get the wrong moral lesson.

The last one for me is the appropriate law. I still find the law is not enough to protect the victim.  And not just for street harassment, but also for other types of harassment such as sexual harassment in schools or workplaces and bullying. Hopefully our government will put more attention to this matter in the future and make a breakthrough for protecting its citizen.

AN: Last question, any message for those who experience street harassment?

RPM: Don’t let them destroy your self esteem.

Today, 17th August 2017, my country Indonesia is celebrating its independence day. On this special day we always shout ‘FREEDOM’.  Well, for me freedom means to also feel free walking along the street. To be free from feeling afraid in public places. To be free to wear anything you want without getting scared of being harassed. Freedom is for every citizen, every human being, and every individual.

Happy 72th Independence Day to my fellow Indonesians.

Astrid received her Bachelors of Business at Queensland University of Technology Brisbane Australia. She finished her Master’s Degree at Gadjah Mada University Yogyakarta where she majored in Human Resource Development. Follow her on Twitter at @AstridNiki or on Facebook.

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Filed Under: Activist Interviews, correspondents, street harassment

“That’s how afraid I was”

August 14, 2017 By Contributor

If I were financially able, I would never leave my home again. I’m so tired of this. I just want it to stop.

I was waiting for the light rail. I was reading and I had on headphones. A man sat near me, which I thought was weird since there was a lot of space. Plus he smelled like alcohol. I considered pulling out my pepper spray, just in case, but I was afraid that if he saw it, he’d attack me. He was gesturing a lot, and I thought maybe he was talking, but I couldn’t hear over my music. I took off my head phones and asked if he said anything. (I wanted to pretend I didn’t notice him, but the last time I pretended that with a drunk man, he spat on me and tried to hit me.) He said no, so I put my headphones back on.

But then he started talking louder so I could sort of hear him over my music. I took my headphones off again and he asked me if I was “mad about what we’re doing.”

I played dumb and said, “Do you mean waiting for the light rail?”

He said no and got angry with me. He told me, “Take your f**king headphones off, put your book down, and talk to me!”

I tried to be very sweet so that I wouldn’t make him mad. I said, “No, thank you.”And I put my headphones back on and tried to read my book.

He very loudly asked, “Is it because I’m not educated like you?”

I told him that I just wanted to read my book.

He then asked if I wanted to make money. I told him that I didn’t need money because I was coming back from work. He said he could make me 100 million dollars in 6 months. I tried to make a joke and cheerfully said, “I don’t believe that!”

He called me stuck up and again told me to take off my headphones and put down my book and talk to him. I tried to sweetly change the subject to when the light rail was coming, but he did his best to ignore me and went on calling me stuck up. When the light rail came, I stood up, and he stood so close to me that he was pressed right up against me, but I was afraid to move.

He said I should go to dinner with him. I said no thank you. He asked me if it was because he was Indian. I said it was because I am a lesbian (for the record, no, I was not lying, as several men have accused me of doing) and he was about twice my age. I didn’t want to make him angry, so I didn’t mention how it was also because nobody wants to date someone who smells like booze and spent the last ten minutes swearing at her and calling her stuck up.

He objected to the reasons I did give, saying that he didn’t want to have kids or anything. Thankfully, he didn’t get on the light rail, so I was safe. But even when I got off at my stop, I was afraid that he’d gotten on without me seeing him and he was following me. That was how afraid I was.

Optional: What’s one way you think we can make public places safer for everyone?

Men need to get it through their thick skulls that we’re not their f**k toys. They also need to stop f**king women that they hate, because maybe then they won’t spend so much time trying to get in the pants of women they insulted five minutes ago. Yes, some women need to get this through their thick skulls too, and #notallmen, but this is a primarily male issue.
Security guards also need to take this shit seriously instead of ignoring it.

– Ashlee

Location: Phoenix, AZ on the central and Camelback light rail

Need support? Call the toll-free National Street Harassment hotline: 855-897-5910

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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

“It’s always whispering in my ear”

August 12, 2017 By Contributor

it’s always whispering in my ear

michelle park close
michelle get out of the car
michelle don’t waste anytime with the car door open
michelle be aware of your surroundings
michelle remember where you are parked
michelle memorize street names and landmarks
michelle text someone where you are just in case
michelle move quickly
michelle who’s behind you?
michelle this looks like a bad spot, not safe
michelle watch out for that man over there
michelle he’s looking at you
michelle turn around, go another direction even if it takes longer
michelle that man followed you through four aisles
michelle have your keys out before leaving
michelle walk where there’s more people
michelle you got your mace? don’t be lazy, put it in your hand
michelle find your car quick
michelle that man whistled at you
michelle i think he’s hollering something at you
michelle keep your gaze straight forward and focused
michelle look behind you
michelle scan for threats
michelle keep your head down
michelle look up
michelle act natural
michelle walk faster
michelle run
michelle yell if you have to
michelle have your car keys ready
michelle get in and lock the doors
michelle i know it’s hot but the windows have to stay up
michelle relax before people start thinking you’re “neurotic”

Optional: What’s one way you think we can make public places safer for everyone?

One thing I would love to see if for men to become upstanders and interrupt harassment in public

– Michelle Marie Ryder

Location: USA

Need support? Call the toll-free National Street Harassment hotline: 855-897-5910

Share your street harassment story for the blog.
See the book 50 Stories about Stopping Street Harassers for idea
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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

“It made me feel like an object or toy”

August 10, 2017 By Contributor

I’m a 17 year old girl and I live in a nice neighborhood. The neighbors all watch out for each other. My parents have no problem with me walking the dog by myself around the block. So when I volunteered to walk the dog, my parents simply handed me a bag and the leash without any second thoughts. After what happened, however, I am no longer to go out on my own.

I hadn’t expected it to happen; I’m tall and slim with no noticeable curves. I figured most boys wouldn’t take notice of me. I know now that it doesn’t work like that.

For a while, the walk went well. I smiled at neighbors and keep myself and my dog out of the way of any by-passers. It was when i was walking down my own street to return home that i heard someone shouting my name. Confused, i stopped and turned to the car that had pulled up at the intersection across the street. it was a small light electric blue car that obviously wasn’t new. A guy i somewhat recognized from elementary school had his head out the passenger window, calling my name. he starts talking to me, saying something about how he remembers me from elementary school before i switched to private school. he tells me he remembers how we used to date all the time and kiss. I’m not sure if I’m hearing this right because i have done neither of those things in my life. i felt uneasy and anxious talking to this guy, and this time it wasn’t because of social anxiety.

That’s when he asks me if i want to kiss again, for old times sake. My blood ran cold when he said that and i immediately dropped any politeness i had been trying to keep. i tell him no. he asks me why, as if the answer isn’t already obvious. why would i kiss a guy in a car that i barely remember and know that he is lying about us dating?

He keeps talking, however at this point i want nothing more to do with him and begin to walk away. he yells something about my private area and his car speeds off, thankfully in the opposite direction. i was panicking and felt absolutely repulsed. i wanted to be out of this body that felt so dirty. my skin felt like it was crawling, trying to get off. it did not make me feel confident or happy. it did not feel like a compliment. it made me feel like an object or toy. i spent the rest of the evening feeling disgusted of my own self and scared.

– Anonymous

Location: My neighborhood

Need support? Call the toll-free National Street Harassment hotline: 855-897-5910

Share your street harassment story for the blog.
See the book 50 Stories about Stopping Street Harassers for idea
s.

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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

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