In a way, I owe street harassment a lot. It’s never done anything personally for me, and I’d eliminate it in a second if I could, but I really should acknowledge my debt to it, in full disclosure. Here’s the story.
Seven years ago I was living in Chicago, as oblivious to harassment and other forms of violence against women as I always had been. Sure, I knew it happened, and it was bad, so I didn’t harass anyone or rape anyone. So that made me a pretty good guy.
Around that time I was dating someone, and as things got more serious and we shared more and more about our lives with each other. She started telling me about how when she would go out running in the morning, or the afternoon, or on the weekends, she would get shouted at or whistled at or guys would say something to her. And she didn’t like it; in fact it made her really angry.
I was a little puzzled when I started hearing these stories, and my confusion stemmed from a few things. One, I’d never been harassed so I didn’t have a frame of reference. I’d never experienced it and never worried about it happening to me, so it ranked somewhere around lion attacks (not a huge problem in Chicago) on my worry list. Two, it seemed isolated to me. I didn’t connect it to other forms of violence against women, so even though it happened to her regularly I didn’t think about the threat of it as yet ANOTHER thing she had to deal with on a daily basis, along with the threat of physical violence, harassment, discrimination and more.
What my 2004 self could have used was a primer on understanding harassment and why it’s a problem; I didn’t have one, but I hope these points below will help us as men understand the issue a bit more, help us better challenge harassment when they see it, and better support women in our lives who are harassed.
It’s not about you, #1: One of the most common things I hear from men when we talk about harassment is that “it wouldn’t bother me.” That’s not the point, because it’s not directed at you, it’s directed at women. Whether or not it bothers you, or even bothers all women (because the other thing I hear is “some women like it”), is irrelevant. It definitely bothers many, many women and, if it bothers a woman you care about and who matters to you, isn’t that enough? Because we don’t get to choose who it happens to; the next person could be our friend or mother, sister or girlfriend, daughter or niece.
It’s part of a bigger problem: Even if you don’t think sexual harassment is a big issue, maybe you think rape is a big issue, or stalking, or domestic violence. It’s important to remember that they’re all related. Men who degrade women and treat them like objects in one context, such as walking down the street, often degrade women and treat them like objects in other settings.
The other part of it is that for women, harassment is merely one of the most visible parts of an iceberg of violence and the threat of violence they have to deal with daily, so don’t minimize it. Sexual harassment seemed weird and isolated to me, but because I always thought about it in isolation. I didn’t think, “what if that happened to me a couple of times a day, every day, my whole life,” which is the proper context for it.
It’s not about you, #2: Another thing I hear from men is this plea: “what if we just want to talk with a woman, to ask her out, to strike up a conversation with her?” My response is to ask, “Why do we as men assume that we have the right to just go around complimenting random women or talking with them?” Maybe she doesn’t want to talk with us for any number of a million reasons, all of which are perfectly valid and none of our business.
If you want to compliment random women, sign up for speed dating. Harassment is never about complimenting women, and it never has been. You may respond, “But I’m not trying to bother her, just be complimentary.” In that case, see above; it doesn’t matter what your intent is, it matters how what you do is received by her. This can be hard for us as men to hear, but intent doesn’t matter in this case.
There are things you can and should do: Since sexual harassment is often visible and public, it’s really easy for men to challenge it and take action to end it. Some basic things you can do are:
- Don’t do it. Simple and easy. Most guys already don’t though, so luckily there’s more we CAN do if you’ve already got this one down.
- Don’t laugh or go along with harassment when your friends or others do it. Harassment is often just as much a demonstration for other men. If someone harasses a woman and looks to you for validation, don’t laugh or smile in support. Instead…
- Call out and challenge others who do harass women. If it’s your friends, tell them that you’re not ok with harassing women and that it bothers you. Tell them they can’t do it if you’re around. If it’s a stranger, tell him it’s not ok and he should stop. Or call the police or report it to the proper authorities; harassment is a crime.
- Talk with the women in your life. Ask them about their experiences with harassment and how it affects them. And ask how you can be supportive as they deal with it. Don’t joke, minimize, or tell them to ignore or get over it, but be empathetic. It can make all the difference.
Think about it this way; you’ve been handed a great opportunity to not only improve the lives of women you care about (and others you don’t even know), but you’ve also got a chance to help some other men unlearn bad habits. Take advantage of it, and see what a difference it makes.
[En español, escrito por MariaLujan Tubio]
By Joe Vess
Director of Training and Technical Assistance, Men Can Stop Rape
Men Can Stop Rape is an international organization that mobilizes men to use their strength for creating cultures free from violence, especially men’s violence against women. Since its inception in 1997, MCSR has led the call to redefine masculinity and male strength as part of preventing men’s violence against women. For more information, please see www.mencanstoprape.org
This post is part of the weekly blog series by male allies. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.
Sue Henderson says
Joe, I think I love you. What a brilliant article which I will immediately be sharing with every man I know. Thank you 🙂
Coral says
“If you want to compliment random women, sign up for speed dating.”
Haha! I love that line.
Lisa Schaefer says
Joe, I’m staring at your body and think you’re hot. I want you to know I’m paying attention to your whereabouts as you walk down a street, so I’m doing this by whistling and yelling.
How does any man think that’s a compliment? To me, it’s saying, “I think you’re a whoring slut and I’m going to call everyone’s attention to your body.”
Speaking of your girlfriend going for a jog, I also get another form of harassment all the time. Cars playing chicken with me on my way to the bike/jogging trail.
I’m not going to drive to go jogging. That would defeat the purpose, so I run a mile down a narrow street with good visibility so I can get to the carless trail. I often see people (usually a man but not always) drive in the gutter to try to scare me onto the grass. I sprained an ankle running in grass less lumpy than this and won’t do it again. I’m tempted to run with a stick so they know if they drive within a foot of me their car is getting scratched.
Helen says
I wish we’d had groups and campaigns back in the 80s when street harassment was a problem for me! What a well-written piece, thank you.
alankearl says
Very compelling! Thanks, Joe
Devil's Advocate says
I get your point about compliments–compliments are for people you already know, not for perfect strangers. No argument there.
I’m not convinced that it’s wrong to try to strike up a conversation with a woman, at least in some contexts, if I go about it in a low-key way. I’m something of a bookworm, and I occasionally strike up conversations with women on the bus and in coffeehouses about books they’re reading. I’ve had some enjoyable conversations, and I think I’ve been around the block enough to get a read on a woman’s interest (or lack thereof) in continuing the conversation. On one occasion a woman responded pleasantly, but not in a way that kept the conversation going. I wasn’t stupid enough to press the matter, and it was over in 20 or 30 seconds. It was her right not to have a conversation with me, and she was polite about it, so no problem. Was it wrong for me to even say boo to her in the first place? I don’t think so.
Your analog to “try speed dating” would probably be, “If you want to talk books with people, join a book discussion group.” Well, book discussion groups are fine, but I think that what I do is fine also.
“Why do we assume that we have a right to talk to women?”
I’m not DEMANDING that people converse with me; I’m REQUESTING it. They have a perfect right to turn me down, as long as they aren’t surly about it. If I refused to take no for an answer, that would be another matter.
I also question the “how your actions are received by her” criterion. That sounds an awful lot like “Your behavior is rude–because I say it is.” By that logic a person could take offense to any innocuous remark under the sun. If I made a really crude sexual remark to a woman on the street, my conduct would be wrong in itself, not because of how it was received. In a case like this, a claim that my intentions were innocent wouldn’t wash. But if you criticize people for bad intentions, you have to credit them for innocent ones. You can’t have it both ways.
John says
When I was younger, I kick boxed. If you ever took taekwondo, you’d know that you musculature becomes very well defined. You need strong abdominals, arms, etc. Once I was in the park practicing forms and kicks, it’s a very aerial art and drew some unwanted attention. When I stopped for a break, three women came up from behind. Two grabbed an arm. One was squeezing my bicep and the other was tracing the tigers on my sleeve. The one tracing the tigers told me that she liked to touch the tigers. One of them told me that I must have a strong lower body. I’m unsure which one it was. I wasn’t particularly scared, but I did feel harassed. Another time I was checking my muscle tone while riding a bus and some woman felt that she had the right to check it also. I thought that was harassment too. Both of those cases were wrong and possibly battery. On the other hand, I’ve had strange women comment on my body. This felt harassing also, but if you asked me whether it was wrong, I’d say 100% no. They didn’t touch me and what society would we be living in if we couldn’t express an interest in a stranger. We’d all be married to relatives. Respect someone’s not interested and you should be good.