Stop Street Harassment

Making Public Spaces Safe and Welcoming

A male ally in New Delhi, India, speaks out – part 1

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[Editor’s Note: This is part 1 in in a 3 part series. You can read parts 2 and 3 later this week]

These are real life stories. Narrated as it happened.

I was at the super market getting late for work and needed to pick up some milk. This is a super market that I frequent often and I know most of the people who work there by their first names and they know me well too.

This new girl had joined recently, like a month back and wasn’t very sure how to handle customers, especially male customers. She was on duty at the check out counter, and I could see a couple of rough looking guys getting their groceries checked out by her. One of the guys stood to the left side and started to hand out the stuff from the cart and the other stood to the other side with a huge sack in his hand.

The girl started to bill the stuff and pass them on to the other guy to put them in the sack. In a couple minutes, while I was looking at them trying to figure out what their intentions were, the other guy then lowered the sack to the floor and opened the top of it and requested the girl to pop the stuff in it. The girl threw in the vegetables but for other groceries she obviously had to bend  from the waist a bit. The guy holding the sack lowered the mouth of the sack a little bit more and very happily ogled inside her shirt each time she bent down.

Needless to say, this incident angered me. There were other people behind me in line who were getting irritated because the girl was doing a slow job, or so they said and the other counters were still closed.

The guy passing out the stuff from the cart bent over to pick up something from the very back of the cart and that was when I saw the ID hanging from his neck. He was a Delhi Police officer. They both were Police officers. (New Delhi, Capital city, India)

That was when I did what I do best. I kept my milk on the counter and moved behind the counter to help her out everything in the sack.

The two cops were angered by this, and humiliated too. They managed to figure out I guessed what they were up to and that must have embarrassed them somehow, or so I’d like to think.

After that, they moved out real quick and the girl still had no idea what those two had been up to.

Another guy who worked there figured it out and murmured me a thanks, and I sure hope he did coach his new comer colleague how to handle such customers from now on.

I remember another incident very vividly. I was standing in line at a fast food pick up place. There was a young teen girl standing in line ahead of me and some guys standing a little away towards the right. Apparently those guys had already ordered and were waiting for their food to be packed. The girl in front of me placed her order and stood to the side. I ordered and I moved back too. The girl was wearing a tee and jeans and a jacket, with no skin visible. The guys standing a bit away were constantly staring at her, and they must have been in their 40’s at least. Pretty soon, the girl became aware of their stares and became a little uncomfortable too. I didn’t know what to do or how to react, so I just moved from where I was standing and stood between the guys and the teen girl. The teen girl was petite and the guys ogling at her couldn’t see her anymore standing besides me so they soon lost interest.

The guys got their food and left, the girl got her food and left. She did not look back or anything, but I’m sure she realized for a moment that there are some good folks in this planet. Very few, it seems to me though.

[Come back tomorrow to read Part 2]

– Tbg

@TbgDgc

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Not just a sec

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One-second.

It probably took you one second to read that.  Which may be why I think one-second isn’t usually considered a long time.  It’s been ingrained so deeply in me that one-second isn’t a long time. I mean, my whole life I’ve used one-second to communicate that I would be available immediately.  When I’m on my way out the door,

“Ben, it’s time to go!”

“One-second!”

But, that’s how it has worked in my private life. Out in public, feminism has got me reconsidering how long one-second really is.  I just need a minute to explain.

To all the single folks out here, I’m not sure if you can relate to this, but do you ever have one of those moments where you end up seeing somebody who is just so dang beautiful? So amazing it kinda hurts, right? Like, “wow, that person is way out of my league.”

*Lonely sigh*

Even though I really don’t believe in the whole “league” system and I’m more of a beauty is deeper than the skin kinda guy, I end up having those moments.

But, what about those moments that last a little longer than one second? Have you ever had or noticed somebody having one of those? Maybe a couple seconds, maybe a head turn, or maybe staring.  These are the moments that feminism asks us to recognize as problematic. Feminism asks us to unravel the thread of events leading up to this and diagnose how this ends up happening. Not so surprisingly, a sex, gender, sexuality analysis ends up doing the trick.

I try to speak from my own perspective. So, I’m writing this article as a cisgender man with heterosexual privilege.  I’ve been trained to feel preeeeetty comfortable taking up a lot of space.  I’ve also been taught that “normal” sexuality for me is to be voyeuristic. Put these two together and I’m taught to stare. Which is a tidier way of being honest; it’s ogling. In a heterosexual context, I’m told women are mere objects for me to enjoy.  So, I’ve been trained to look at women. I mean LOOK. So then these seconds that last a little longer are considered ok.* I’m taught that if I’m noticed, look away. Furthermore, if I suspect they’ve turned the other direction, even slightly, then the coast is clear.

But, the coast clearly isn’t. Over time, I’ve been blessed to have been exposed to blogs like this, organizations like hollaback!, Men Can Stop Rape, and countless others that say “waaaait a minute, what you’re asked to do has serious negative repercussions”. I sincerely thank them. These organizations have given me the analysis to realize that the one-second difference between one-second and two seconds can be huge. It can be the difference in somebody’s comfort, it can be the difference in somebody wanting to go with out sunglasses on a cloudy day or having to wear them to look uninviting. It can be the difference between the fastest route home, or, the longer route to avoid more attention. Or maybe it’s the difference between somebody keeping their head up or looking at their feet.  No matter what the impact is, there still is an “is”. There’s still an impact.  One-second may not be harassment. I’m not really sure. But, I am sure that cumulatively, it is.

It has taken me a long time to realize that harassment isn’t always verbal, and it took one-second to prove that to me.

* To be clear, this post isn’t try to create a formula for what constitutes harassment. It’s not about one-second, or two-seconds. It’s not about counting seconds. It’s more about realizing that every second counts.

 

– Ben Privot
Founder, The Consensual Project
www.theconsensualproject.com

This post is part of the weekly blog series by male allies. We need men involved in the work to end the social acceptability of street harassment and to stop the practice, period. If you’d like to contribute to this weekly series, please contact me.

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Blocking the view of oglers

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This happened in Delhi. Yesterday evening, I was at a take away place and I had ordered something and was waiting for my order to come through. This young girl about 13 or so walks in and orders some take away food at the counter and stands back waiting for her order to be ready. There’s this group of men in their early thirties were waiting there too. This kid is hardly 13 and has no breasts to speak of and she’s wearing jeans and a long shirt below her hips with an open collar. This dirty group of young men stared openly at the kid’s chest. Made me feel creepy. Think about it, she’s just a kid! It made me very angry, but I couldn’t do much, so I moved myself and positioned myself in front of the kid so the other guys couldn’t ogle at her, as in I came in their line of vision. I cannot go all around town slapping people. That was the best I could do at that moment. What is the world coming to? Everybody has kids who are 12 or 13 at one point of time in life! Sickening!

– Tbg

Location: Delhi, India

Share your street harassment story today and help raise awareness about the problem. Include your location and it will be added to the Street Harassment Map.

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Thank you, male allies & survey results

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Two weeks ago I asked male allies to anonymously let me know their thoughts on how best to educate men about street harassment, engage them in activism, and empower them to do something if they see harassment occurring. This was for a book I am writing on street harassment. The last four chapters of my book focus on multi-layered efforts to end it. Educating men and empowering bystanders are just two of many tactics, but they are very important ones.

Thank you to the 85 allies who took it (and to everyone who passed along the survey to male allies). I already have incorporated several people’s quotes in the sections on bystanders and educating men and the multiple choice responses were useful in helping me decide what to include as realistic initiatives.

I think the survey responses will be useful to others working on this issue, so here they are.

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Male Allies

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My male partner once asked if I could share more stories on this blog about men who don’t street harass women and who work to end it. I would like to, but I don’t have very many. So today I am happy to have this story, from a male ally, to share:

“A young woman was on a metro train and a couple of teenagers started to tell her in explicit and profane language what they wanted to do to her. I told them they needed to leave her alone and stop using profanities in my presence. They did and moved on. I was happy to see that a couple of other men surrounding us on the train told me that they had my back should things have gone violent.”

Fortunately, these harassers did stop. By-standers run the risk of having harassers turn on them, which can deter many people – men and women – from intervening. It makes it all the more inspiring to read about those who take that risk and intervene anyway. Men, have you ever intervened or done something to distract a harasser when you’ve seen a woman being harassed?

I am writing a book on street harassment. In the second half of the book, I focus on various ways that women and men can – and are – fighting this issue and working to stop all street harassment.

After attending a panel yesterday for work on organizations that are engaging men as allies in ending gender-based violence around the world, I was inspired to write a short, informal, anonymous survey for male allies where they can share their thoughts specifically on how best to reach men on this issue and engage them in ending it.

Male allies, please take a few minutes and share your thoughts on this topic:

https://www.surveymonkey.com/s/7SS33XL

Also, feel free to share any stories on by-stander intervention in the comments of this post or via an anonymous form.

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