I used to play music so I’m no stranger to the stupid things that can come out of the mouths of arrested development types. Let’s say I’m desensitized to some extent. But what happened to me about a month ago went completely over the edge and I still smiled.

It’s official. No good deeds go unpunished. I was volunteering at the annual fundraiser for a great music series. Everything went well. After my shift, I went to have some dinner and had a few drinks. Then, a man who had passed by me several times while I was working struck up a conversation.

He struck me as reasonably intelligent, rather attractive and funny as well as quite drunk. Then, he let out a zinger. “You have beautiful breasts,” as he leered at them. Mind you, I wasn’t wearing anything very revealing. I laughed it off and kept up the conversation. Then he told me, “I bet your pussy is very sweet.” I laughed. I should have called security as this point but didn’t want to embarrass him or make a scene. Then, the third zinger, “I bet you get laid all the time.”

It all confused me so much. I ended hanging out with him on and off throughout the night and lost him at the end of the event. The next morning I felt uneasy about the situation so I posted a Missed Connection in Craigslist. Lo and behold, he answered it suspecting he would be getting one. Shock of shocks. I dropped a few big hints about his behavior the night before in the friendliest way possible. We wrote a little back and forth. He didn’t seem to understand what I was getting at.

Then, nothing. A week later, I was annoyed by the situation so I just leveled with him and how his behavior was completely unacceptable. No response. No “I’m so sorry. I was drunk” apology. Nothing. So I did more research on street and public harassment and found that my story was pretty bad. So I sent him a few emails urging him to give money to anti-street harassment groups listing the exact statements he made to me about my chest, genitals and sex life.

Now, he’s on my weekly sexual harassment story email list. He’s probably had all my emails thrown to spam since the beginning so he’s probably not even reading them. But it does make me feel better. I’m hopeful he’s learned that he can’t treat a woman like that ever. We’re not talking a young kid. This man is 42.

There is no excuse for his actions but if he had apologized up front — the minute he realized he may have said some inappropriate things, I would have been cool about it. After all, people get drunk and do things they regret. But real men apologize.

– Anonymous

Location: Prospect Park, Brooklyn, New York

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Last year there were a few concentrated incidents that all happened in the same place. I used to get a lift to work and had to wait on a busy road for my pick-up. Bearing in mind this was before 8 a.m. in the morning, I would still get harassed.

Sometimes it would just be a beeping horn, but it started to concern me when men would stick their head out of windows and shout comments at me. One time it was a bus driver who wolf-whistled and shouted at me, which shocked me even more. The men would usually leer, make a comment about the way I was dressed or the way I looked and then laugh.

One morning a man stuck his head fully out the window and made gestures suggestive of oral sex.

It really bothered me because I didn’t feel free to do what I want, or wear what I want. I didn’t want to stop wearing dresses to work, but it really put me off. I can’t really describe accurately how angry or upset I was about it all, it didn’t make me feel respected as a person at all.

– FW

Location: Durham, UK

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I’m writing to tell you about an incident which happened last week. I was working from home and needed to [run some errands] like pick up a parcel and pop into the supermarket and buy a few things for dinner. I decided to beat the lunchtime ‘rush’ and leave at 11 a.m. Anyway, I rounded the corner from my road into the main thoroughfare and there was a man walking by the bus stop; now I’m not normally a nervous or jumpy pedestrian but something about this bloke made me feel uneasy.

I walked by, trying to keep my expression as neutral as possible, but once he’d passed me he said loudly, “Make sure you don’t take your eye out with one of those!” gesturing towards my breasts. I shouted, “What did you mean?” and swore at him, but he turned onto my road and carried on regardless. What this man forgot was that he was wearing a reflective tabard with his company name printed on the back; I made a mental note of this.

I continued my journey feeling angry and upset – why had this happened? Yes, I have a large chest and men often stare, whatever I’m wearing. Quite frankly though, this doesn’t give people the divine right to comment, nobody in this day and age should be doing this. Women get a raw deal. I noted the recent ‘slut walk’ which took place in the centre of London which was women basically saying ‘I can wear what I like and stuff you.’

When I returned home I googled it, as you can imagine it’s a fairly common occurance and there are websites devoted to it: http://www.stopstreetharassment.com/ plus campaigns to raise awareness.

As for me, well I contacted the culprit’s company, and they were quick to respond and I must admit, I was impressed with the way they dealt with it. I answered all of the detailed questions. If the person isn’t caught, at least the company will highlight the need for their staff to behave in an appropriate manner. Whatever happens, I’ll keep on fighting and I’ll let you know how the situation develops.

– Jo

Location: Bexleyheath, Kent, DA7

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This morning I left my house to walk the three blocks to my bus stop. It is a particularly hot day in DC, and I am wearing a long red sundress. I sometimes hesitate to wear this dress because it tends to generate attention from men, (which in and of itself is a frustrating statement), but I feel pretty in it and it’s perfect for a hot summer day, so I put it on this morning.

I was a mere 1.5 blocks away from the house before a van turned the corner and immediately slowed as it approached me. Then, of course, the driver rolled down his window and began to try to get my attention as he coasted slowly along side me. When I stopped to look at him and tune in, he was smiling and saying, “Oh, wow, beautiful, mmm, wow……..”

I looked straight at him, gave him a dirty look, and said, “Please stop now– Women don’t like that!” He just kept smiling, and almost laughing, threw his hands up as if to indicate, “I’m sorry about that, but I can’t help it!” Then he chuckled to himself, and coasted slowly away until I’d disappeared around the corner and he couldn’t see me anymore.

When the bus dropped me at my metro station (New Carrollton), I was standing on the platform feeling annoyed and wanting to be left alone. But because I’ve developed an almost animal-like awareness of predators at this point, I could immediately sense one man in the crowd who was extra aware of me. When the train arrived, I made sure to walk down the platform to ensure that I got on a car that was not the one closest to where he was standing.

Not surprisingly, however, once I was seated on a train car far from where he’d been standing, he happened to walk onto that car as well. –And then, or course, he sat down on the seats directly across from me and began staring at me. I ignored him, and then I heard the inevitable, “How you doin’?”

I didn’t even have the energy to say anything or look at him. I simply took a deep breath and ignored his question until I realized that I didn’t want to be silently leered at for the entire ride, so I got off at the next stop and entered another train car.

–I realize that both these incidents probably sound pretty innocuous to anyone reading this. And they are certainly mild compared to others I’ve experienced in this town. But it all stems from the same source, and it all jabs at the same nerve in me, and I’m to the point now where even the most mild of harassment just has me wanting to slap someone.

I JUST WANT TO BE LEFT ALONE.

I don’t want to be focused on.

It is flattering to know that people may think I’m attractive, but it’s simply menacing to have strange men express that to me. I don’t know why they can’t just have an admiring thought and contain it within their own heads. WHAT is the joy of making a woman uncomfortable!?

I should be able to wear a flattering red dress and commute to work in the morning without men feeling the need to communicate how my appearance in that dress makes them feel. I shouldn’t have to exit a train and find a new place to sit just to escape being eye-raped by a stranger in the morning because of how my appearance in that dress makes him feel. It may seem mild, but it infringes upon my basic rights and I’m sick of it. We are constantly faced with the choice between having to change our lifestyle (i.e. exiting the train, wearing less flattering clothing, changing commute routes, etc.) or accepting harassment. And it’s just not right.

It is exhausting. I almost sometimes feel like these little/mild incidents are more exhausting than the bigger ones because they are so frequent/constant that they leave me perpetually on guard, waiting to deflect the next one.

I never truly relax because of it.

– B.

Location: New Carrollton, MD

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