A 23-year-old guy has been stalking me, a 14-year-old, for months. I told a friend of mine about this and when she tried speaking to him about this issue, he threatened to rape her and used extremely sexually explicit words. After this incident, I never spoke to him but he used to sit in front of my house every day. Then, about a month later, he asked me to come and meet him but when I denied, he threatened to defame my character. He also spread a rumor saying that I kissed him and that I was physically involved with him. Now I am planning to file a police complaint against him.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with harassers and/or ending street harassment in general?

Raising voice can be the only suggestion, many cases go unreported. Voice has to be raised against the wrong.

– Aakansha

Location: As Rao Nagar, India

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I had the idea for this letter after yet another day with an incident of being harassed on the street, reacting by sighing or shaking my head, and then getting told off for not accepting the compliment – the harasser hiding under the proclaimed guise of ‘just being nice’. It’s not one I could imagine being able to recite or hand to harassers with any real effect of change, but it helped me to articulate my thoughts, nonetheless.

Dear Men of New York City,

We would like to explain a couple of things re: sidewalk etiquette vis à vis women.

You may have noticed when you see a woman on the street and you turn to her as she is walking past and make some quick comment about her body, her dress or her overall appearance, one of a few things might happen. She might: a) blush and quicken her pace, ignoring her addresser, b) roll her eyes and/or let out a barely audible exasperated sigh, or c) let out an angry retort. While this letter in no way endorses rudeness on behalf of anyone, women included, we feel that you ought to have some sense of why this happens All.The.Time.

Some simple but extremely misguided answers would be that that women a) secretly want this to happen, but need to play coy, b) think they’re too good for you, or c) are bitches. Unfortunately for simplicity, things are more complex than that.

The truth is we do not hate men. We do not think we are better than men. But we do have a unique set of social sensibilities, emblazoned on our psyches – sensibilities which are central to all that it is to be feminine.

Notice a couple of things in the scenario described above: often, the woman is alone. Understand this: regardless of how far women have come in the workplace, in athletic prowess or intellectual achievement, a woman walking alone is vulnerable. She may be physically safe in a given milieu, but she is as vulnerable as a sitting duck to gaze, to emotional and psychological assault. She feels that she is vulnerable, hence you may also notice that she is walking briskly, and not making more than millisecond-long eye contact with any one of the dozens of people she is encountering. This signifies that she is striving to maintain some dignity, and while she may indeed be sexually attractive, she is donning a pose of modesty that is intended as a quiet plea to curb your enthusiasm. It is a conscious effort to avoid being addressed unnecessarily. To ignore this plea and disturb the tranquility of her psychological state by imposing your comments, opinions, or interjections on her app earance is not only rude, it is harassment, however mild or flattering.

What a woman understands at a fundamental level, which you also know, is that men will quite frequently see women as sexual objects. This is simply a given. However, this does not have to inform how people behave in society. As you can see, there is generally an imbalance between the sexes. While a woman can indeed be attracted to men, her interest is rarely so common, so frequent, nor so psychologically penetrating as that of men. Obviously. Men are (again, generally) the aggressors: historically, anthropologically, sexually. The fact of the matter is also that women have an equal role in society, and we are free to go about our business unescorted, without invoking whispers of indecency. It is our responsibility to supervise our own actions in accordance with the current norms of decency. It is your responsibility to do the same. Your sexual psyche is more active. This does not mean that women are more inviting to sexual advance. As explained above, sometimes the case is qu ite the contrary. So, please respect our autonomy, our right to freely move about in society, and out of general social decency avoid imposing your sexuality on us, unasked.

Now, we know you can always beg plausible deniability. “I was just trying to be nice.” “I really just liked the color of her dress.” On that score, I do regret that overall defensiveness can leave words of kindness under-appreciated. And I do hope, if you are a sincere sort of man, that you do receive the thanks you are due. However, even you ought to understand the delicate balance that needs to be struck. Any comment on a woman’s appearance is in effect a comment on her body. You may try to dress this in a less creepy way, but you know it’s true. When a woman is exhibiting such signs of guardedness, however, even a compliment on her outfit is received as sexual aggression. This is precisely because she is in a vulnerable position, and you know it, and she knows you know it, which is why you feel empowered as a stranger to speak freely, as you would not if her boyfriend, husband, brother or father, or even a group of other women were aroun d. This vulnerability does not justify your comments; rather it should quell them. That is all we ask.

Note also, this is not a guide to addressing women for courtship purposes. Should women exhibit signs of being open to courtship, different social norms and etiquette apply. On the other hand, this letter should help inform when such courtship efforts are appropriate. Just in case you thought otherwise, “anytime” is not the appropriate time for your comings on.

Sincerely, etc.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with harassers and/or ending street harassment in general?

I have an idea that if you stop and talk to them frankly about how degrading and rude it is for them to talk like that to women, how repulsive it makes them to women, and suggest a dose of dignity and respect, maybe they’ll be taken aback, having expected complacent, passive behavior rather than a sincere conversation. However, I think the problem is too deep for that.

I tried this method today. A man, pushing a stroller with a small child no less, walked past me and said ‘mm you’re sexy’. i looked at him and told him, ‘you know, that’s very rude. it’s actually sexual harassment, and it’s not welcome.’

He kept walking and literally brushed off my comments – waving his hand in an ‘eh, you’re too stupid to bother listening to’ kind of gesture.

I was livid, but also convinced that nothing I could have said or done in response would have caused a different reaction. The way I see it, he was poorly brought up, and the saddest thing is, he’s teaching his child it’s okay to behave like this as well. It’s a self-perpetuating cycle, and I think a part of it comes down to women taking charge as mothers.

SO, LADIES, choose the fathers of your children wisely, as partners who will bring up good men, united with you on how to behave with women. If you did not expect to be a mother, recognize this responsibility nonetheless. Be strong and guide your sons to respect women, both by living by example and by encouraging and instilling good, respectful behavior in them.

– KN

Location: New York

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There are a bunch of dudes in my neighborhood who are always street harassing me, yesterday it was worse. I was jogging, wearing spandex and my jogging bra and one guy threw a dollar bill at me and they laughed.

I tried to report this at my precinct and the police said, verbatim, “I’d like it if someone threw money at me” and laughed and made fun of the situation.

I am disgusted by the propelling harassment and mistreatment to women that happens so frequently in NY. I want to stand up for myself and my human rights in bigger ways, ways that will be heard by more people.

Do you have any suggestions for dealing with harassers and/or ending street harassment in general?

Making political statements about it. It’s so deeply woven into our society that it’ll take more then just passing flyers out on the street or yelling back to the harassers. We need to all stand up for our rights and try to get more policies in force to prevent harassment. Maybe fines can be in place for even the smaller harassments like cat calls in hopes to scare off the offenders. If bigger prosecutions were given to harassers they would be less likely to do it. Our individual voiced need to have more power, the police say they can’t do anything if you report harassment, only if they witnessed it or if they have evidence. That makes it harder to prevent. The PD should have policies to train officers to be aware of street harassment and how to prevent it.

– Chloe Saavedra

Drunk “dude-bro” coming out of a pub in broad daylight decides that it would be funny to try to stop in front of me, grab my head and neck, and try to kiss me. He and his friend laugh as I recoil. I wish I had had my pepper spray handy. I could not wait to get home to wash my face.

– Cassie

Location: Sacramento, CA (downtown)

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I was walking downtown with a friend. We were having a relaxing afternoon, coffee, walk by the ocean. I was walking her back to her Gastown loft. There was an Anime convention happening that day, so there were a lot of people in costume walking around. We were enjoying the people-watching, admiring the costumes and the energy of the festival. We went up to an intersection where five men dressed as anime characters had set up a sort of mock traffic control station. There was a large crowd of mostly young men with them. We stopped and watched. It was amusing at first watching these men dressed as superheroes directing traffic.

The scene turned sinister when a young woman on a scooter stopped at the red light. One of the costumed men jumped on the back of the scooter, putting his arms around her. She was clearly not happy with the situation. I started shaking. ‘I should say something,’ I thought. I scanned the crowd of men chanting and yelling their approval. My friend and I were two women, against a large group of men. What could we do?

She immediately fought back, pushing the man off the scooter, starting the engine and taking off. ‘You go girl,’ I thought. ‘Sorry I was no help to you.’

“Fucking bitch!” The anime man yelled after her. “Nice ass,” his friend shouted as she sped away.

My friend and I quickly left the scene, but I can tell you, I did not enjoy the appearance of men in costume for the rest of the week.

– M

Location: Vancouver, BC

Share your street harassment story for the blog.