I’m reading your excellent and long-overdue book, but I think you may have missed a category. I am a professional woman, 70 years old this year, and since my hair has gone grey some men have taken to addressing me as “Young woman”!!! I retort with “put your glasses on,” “I have not been a young woman for a long time,” “I’m old enough to be your mother, grandmother,” and, “I find that insulting and condescending.”

And if they don’t understand, I say, “Boy,” especially if they are not “young men.” Some of these people are just dumb and stupid. It started a few years ago with “dear” and “hon” and not only from men but from women, also.

– Joan Abel

Location: In the office, in museums, in banks, restaurants, social gatherings, anywhere

This article, by Yolí Sánchez Neyoy, is cross-posted with permission from the blog of the International Planned Parenthood Federation/Western Hemisphere Region.

There was a time in my life when I didn’t engage in critical thinking and receiving sexual comments about my body defined my level of self-esteem. Little by little, as I began to understand what makes men feel they have the right to comment on the look of my behind, I started to reject these “compliments” and respond to the men who made them. Eventually, this would be one thing that would convince me to leave Mexico, my country of origin.

Why do I take these comments so seriously? Because, despite their appearance as ‘good-natured’ or ‘playful’, these acts are on the same continuum as femicide and sexual assault.

Globally, gender-based violence takes the life of one in three women worldwide and is the leading cause of disability and death for women between the ages of 15 and 44. According to a 2012 Thomson Reuters Foundation poll on the best and worst G20 countries for women, Mexico ranked in the bottom five in quality of life for women. The objectification of women is so entrenched in Mexico (as well as in other places) that most people have no perception when violence is being exercised.

In Latin American countries, violence is considered to be only that which involves physical aggression, such as hitting, rape, or murder. Sometimes these acts are justified by popular culture and media that says a woman “deserved it” or even “asked for it.” These excuses would not apply if the violence was exercised against a man.

On the other hand, what happens to men and boys that experience gender-based violence? They are invisible or ridiculed by a culture that considers them to be a “lesser man.”

Government efforts to resolve gender-based violence are often reluctant and, therefore, weak. The result is that gender-based violence is normalized, femicide is accepted in many regions of the country, and several areas are completely overwhelmed by sex trafficking and exploitation. These crimes will never cease to occur in a society where everyone has rights over a woman’s body except herself, where women are not treated with equality and respect.

I hope these grievances emphasize the urgency of my petition: we need to integrate rights-based, comprehensive sexuality education into the school systems to encourage healthy relationships and gender equality. Teaching the biology of reproduction is not enough. Young people must learn and practice the skills necessary to have non-violent interactions, like empathy and resolving conflicts with dialogue. They also need to be able to identify and respect another’s emotional and physical boundaries. When our destructive stereotypes about masculinity and femininity are broken, we will be taking a big step forward.

Yolí Sánchez Neyoy is quality manager at dance4life, an organization creating a world in which young people are free from the stigma and discrimination of HIV infection. With a passion for equality and human rights, she adds her grain of sand by working on monitoring and evaluation.

Editor’s Note: This e-mail is published with permission from the author and his wife. Contact information for the restaurant is posted below if you’d like to call or write to them to voice your displeasure with their stance on the acceptability of employees harassing customers!!

My wife and I went to a local(Charlotte, NC) restaurant last evening and while we were waiting for a table my wife was sexually harassed by several members of the kitchen/wait staff.  The staff seemed to be almost completely male except for the woman taking names for tables at the front.

My wife used the restroom which is located very close to the kitchen area and is kind of open. On the way going in and coming out of the bathroom several male staff members whistled at her, made obscene gestures and made lewd comments(primarily in Spanish). My wife is Mexican and speaks fluent Spanish and I speak some myself. I don’t know if they didn’t realize she would understand or what but the whistling and gestures they made are pretty clear in any language.  I did not see this behavior as it happened but my wife indicated it was loud enough for other restaurant patrons to notice. Needless to say she was very shaken up.

I confronted one of the staff members she pointed out and asked him if he said the things she accused him of and surprisingly not only did he admit he did but told me he didn’t feel it was a big deal.  He left and within a minute or so much of the staff was grinning at us and purposely making things very uncomfortable. We obviously decided we would not be dining there anymore but I felt it important to let management know.  When I spoke to the manager his response was the most surprising of all. He explained to me that this happens regularly and while he was sorry we were offended it “was all in good fun”.  I asked him if he thought it was acceptable for male members of his staff to treat female customers in such a way and he responded that it was “just the way it is.”

He invited us to leave if we were unhappy with the way his staff behaved, which we did but are disgusted that such behavior would not only go on in the open at a public establishment but seemingly be encouraged by management.  We have dined at this restaurant before and had no such problems and this is not a bar or club or anything like that but a sushi restaurant.  Not that this is acceptable behavior in any setting.

This article, by Patrice M. Daniel is cross-posted with permission from the blog of the International Planned Parenthood Federation/Western Hemisphere Region.

Dear Caribbean Men,

We do not have to smile for you. Our smiles are our own. Our lips are our own and our smiles are a celebration of our happiness. We do not have to smile on command. We are not pretty, little, Black dolls whose smiles were painted on with red paint and a plastic brush. Sometimes, we’re busy. We’re busy thinking about geo-political trends, the next ten-mile run, and the latest cricket match. We’re too busy to be the smiling decoration that we, as women, are expected to be. Our faces can be thoughtful, angry, sad, peaceful, meditative, or bored. So stop, Caribbean men. Stop walking up to us, harassing us, and demanding that we smile. We do not have to smile for you. Our smiles are our own.

We do not have to answer you. Our names are our own. We were not christened, “Eh! Baby!” We do not have to turn around and pretend that we enjoy being summoned like pets. We are not charmed when you follow us and invade our space. We do not have to make conversation with you as you block our paths. We do not feel flattered when you stand in a group and leer at our figures, competing to see who can make the vilest remark. We do not take it as a compliment when you comment on our bodies and tell us what you intend to do with them. So stop, Caribbean men. Stop making us feel uncomfortable, afraid to walk the streets of our homelands alone. We do not have to answer you. Our names are our own.

We do not have to dance with you. Our hips are our own. Your admission to the fete did not include an all-access pass to our waists, breasts, behinds. When we walked through the gates, we did not sign permission slips. You don’t get to be angry because we don’t want you as a permanent appendage. You don’t get to grab us, restrain us, and force your bodies against ours. Our role at the fete is not to amuse, entertain, or provide you with a grinding post. Dare to imagine that we enjoy dancing alone. Dare to imagine that we enjoy dancing with our friends. Just because we dance with other guys doesn’t mean we now owe you. So stop, Caribbean men. Stop degrading us and insisting we accept your advances. We do not have to dance with you. Our hips are our own.

We do not dress for you. Our bodies are our own. The length of a skirt is not a personal message to you. Cleavage is not an invitation. Like most shoes, ours can’t speak. So, our heels don’t say, “Do me.” Our legs are not dinner bells, loudly chiming, “Come and get it!”  You don’t get to say our bare skin provoked you. You don’t get to say you lost control. Take responsibility for your behaviors just as we take responsibility for ours. And stop, Caribbean men. Stop using our clothes as an excuse when you rape or violate us. We do not dress for you. Our bodies are our own.

Sincerely,

Caribbean Women

This article is cross-posted with permission from the blog of the International Planned Parenthood Federation/Western Hemisphere Region.

By: Patrice M. Daniel

I stood amidst the large crowd, trying to decide what to do. Should I leave or should I stay? I needed to leave. Given my schedule for the next day, I couldn’t afford to be out any later. I tapped my foot impatiently. I needed to get to my car and drive home, but if I left right that moment, I’d have to walk to my car alone. If I walked to my car alone, I’d run the very real risk of being raped or assaulted. What should I do? I decided to take the plunge. I would walk to my car alone. I didn’t have much of a choice. I stepped out into the dark night with both my keys and my heart in my hands.

I stand against gender-based violence because I live in a world where, as an adult female, my independence is threatened. I live in a world where I cannot do something as simple as walk to my car without fear of sexual assault. I live in a world where I have to spend twenty minutes mulling over whether to take a five-minute journey. I live in a world where I’m made to feel as restricted as a small child, unable to come and go as I please. The recent One Billion Rising  campaign reminded us that one in three women will be beaten or raped in her lifetime. I live in a world where I could be the one.

My story is typical and unremarkable. We give advice to women about how to protect themselves: do not walk anywhere alone, write down the license plate of the taxi, keep an eye on your drink. In viewing the threat of violence as normal, we stop examining the assumptions behind these messages and take it for granted that women and girls will be beaten, raped, or otherwise violated. Trying to keep women safe from inevitable assaults is pointless; what we really need to do is challenge the idea that assaults are inevitable.

It is time for a radical shift in our thinking. Instead of telling women like me not to walk to our cars alone, how about we tell the – usually male – perpetrators not to attack women who are walking to their cars alone? Instead of telling women not to wear short skirts, how about we tell our men that a short skirt is not an invitation for rape? Instead of telling women to keep an eye on our drinks, how about we teach our sons not to drug and assault women? Sexual assault is the only crime where the actions and the character of the victim are scrutinized as much, or more, as those of the perpetrator.

Violence against women and girls is distressingly widespread, but the rate of rape in the Caribbean is higher than the global average. I co-founded and manage Walking into Walls, a Facebook page to raise awareness of violence against Caribbean girls and women. Every day, we compile and share news reports from regional media and put names, faces, and stories to the 48% of adolescent girls in nine Caribbean countries who report their first sexual experience was unwanted. We call attention to the one in three women in the Caribbean who, on average, will experience domestic violence. We remind people that this should not be is business as usual, that there is nothing normal about women and girls being violated because of their gender

I did make it to my car safely that night. It was not entirely without incident, however. As I approached my car, a man’s voice emerged from across the street. He called out to me in a lewd and suggestive tone, asking me if I wanted an escort home. I ran the last few feet to the car.