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“The good people outnumber the bad”

December 15, 2013 By Contributor

This story has both the good and the bad in it. Bad news first (it is a harassment story, after all).

I was waiting for the Q train at Union Square, probably about 11:30 or so at night. I hardly ever go out socially at night without my husband. As much as I hate that that’s the only way I actually feel safe enjoying the city at night, it’s my preference. In this case, I was coming from an important function for my law journal – of course I’m not going to let the creeps deter me from my responsibilities and work/school life.

I was standing at the platform, when a man half-swaggers/half-shuffles in front of me, mumbling incoherently. I try ignoring him, but he’s clearly mumbling at me, so I ask, “What?” After more mumbling, I say – tersely, I might add, since I was on my guard about this guy from the start – “I cannot understand a word you’re saying.” He replies with a barely-comprehensible “Can I getchyo number?” I said “No.” without looking at him. He, the mumbling buffoon, immediately takes it upon himself to reply, “Whatever, you’re a fucking slut, anyways.”

Now, I was tired after a very long and active day, but it just made my blood boil so much that I turned around to him as he was shuffling away, “EXCUSE ME? You don’t even know me! I happen to be married and you CANNOT talk to me like that!” Then, losing his mumble, he shouted back. “No you’re not, you’re not married, don’t lie, you’re just a fucking whore.” I lost my head; I could barely see; I was so enraged and exhausted, that I just kept screaming at him “I’m married; leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone.” He kept at it for a while, calling me every kind of name in the book, all because I had the good sense to not give my number to some creep in the subway at midnight.

People saw. People stared. And he walked away quickly, since by now all eyes were on him, having watched him torment me. Here comes the good part.

As the trembling dissipated and the wave of fear started to dissipate and tears were welling in my eyes, the most wonderful girl, about my age, put her arm strongly around me and asked if I was okay. The Q was approaching and she asked if this was my train, since she wanted to be sure I wasn’t going to be stuck on a train for thirty minutes with this creep. Fortunately, he was long gone. We both got on and then had a great conversation about just the kind of things this blog talks about. I told her about SSH, and she told me about a great non-profit called Groove With Me that she works for, which focuses on empowering young women.

I felt a lot calmer with a kind stranger to talk to, and I also enjoyed being able to talk about these issues right after a perfect example, in front of a bunch of commuters who witnessed the whole t hing. In fact, as I left the train and was walking the short distance to my apartment, a young guy walking a few paces ahead of me turned and also politely asked if I was okay. He had seen it as well. I thanked him and said I was okay now, and just happy to be getting home. I also voiced my frustration at how awful it is to be so disrespected just for being a woman. He was understanding and wished me a good night.

When it comes down to it, the good people outnumber the bad.

– KN

Location: Union Square, Manhattan

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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

Egypt: Put Yourself in Her Shoes

December 14, 2013 By HKearl

I love this PSA from UN Women’s Egyptian office.

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Filed Under: Resources, street harassment

Cameroon: Workshop to Raise Awareness and Build Allies with Adolescents

December 14, 2013 By Contributor

By Zoneziwoh Mbondgulo, Buea, Cameroon, SSH Safe Public Spaces Mentee

It is estimated that about 1 in 3 women worldwide experience sexual or physical violence at least once in their lives.  And over 80 percent of women across the globe have also experienced at least one or two or several forms of street harassment from men they do not know, and Cameroon is no exception.

In Cameroon, street harassment is still an overlooked issue. It is common seeing men and even young boys feeling it’s ok to publicly abuse or harass a lady. This long age act on women and girls is more or less seen as a norm to a social issue that must be address.

In Buea, Cameroon, on November 30, 2013, during the 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence, over 25 boys and girls within the ages of 15-19, the majority been students from different schools across Buea, were trained and empowered with the necessary skills to say no to gender-based violence, particularly, street and sexual harassment.

The training program which was part of 3 months, Safe Public Spaces Mentoring Program, supported by the STOP STREET HARASSMENT organization, was hosted by Women For A Change, Cameroon (WFAC), a young women-led organization working for the promotion of women and girls sexual and reproductive health rights.

Designed to enable adolescent girls and boys find safe space to talk, learn and gain in-depth understanding on gender based violence and stereotypes; as well as to network and build alliance to end violence on women and girls.

The training opened with participants asked to complete the sentence, connecting to the UN’s suggestion to wear orange to stand up against violence: #Iwearorangebecause….

Rocard, 18 years #Iwearorangebecause ” I am a boy and i stand for equality” #16DAYS #16DAYSOFACTIVISM

#Iwearorangebecause ‘I m a girl and i stand for equality” Fatima 17 years

“#Iwearorangebecause I have a voice and it should be heard” Gobina, 17years

Next, participants shared their fears and expectations from the training.  The majority feared that a day would not sufficient to gain enough knowledge and skills to effectively mentor peers, raise awareness, and/or educate the public, families and friends on the negative consequences of gender-based harassment of girls/women. One participant said, “I am always shy and often feel inferior to speak up. I need to take part in many more of such programs so I gain self-empowerment and boldness to speak up.”

Nonetheless, their expectations kept them hopeful that by the end of the day, they would have acquired the necessary tool to face some of their fears, and most importantly they would know how to use the skills gained and reach out to a wider population.

The training, which lasted for six hours, included three lecture seminars, a series of role play, debates, interactive sessions, and Q&A.

The first lecture seminar, facilitated by me, explained to  participants some KEY GENDER CONCEPTS – like differences between sex and gender; examples of sex characteristics and gender roles and stereotypes; what’s gender-based violence and different forms of violence against women and girls – with a particular focus on street and sexual harassment.

During the lecture seminar 1, a participant was nominated by the group to chair and moderate a group discussion, where everyone present was asked to take time to reflect on a situation where s/he thought they experienced / witnessed gender based violence – principally street and sexual harassment- and how they overcame / addressed it.

THE REFLECTIONS

More than 2/3 of the girls said they had experience one or two forms of harassment – be sexual advances or unwanted touch, both in public and on campus – and when this happens sometimes they just ignore or throw insult back at the harasser. The most common experiences were – whistling,  abusive jokes and comments like ‘African baby’,  ‘small girl’ ,’ fine ass’, ’ pretty butts’,  ‘ my size’,  ‘V boot’ ‘a say ehh’ ,’sssshh’ ,’ehhh’ ,  and at times forceful holding, catcalling, touching, ‘air-kiss’…

Two girls, aged 16 and 17, shared individual experiences with harassment online which include sexist comments and unwanted sexual attention. E.g, one said how a guy she doesn’t know texts her on Facebook asking whether she had ever had sex or sexting through messaging.  “This was the most disgusting thing I have ever experience” she explains. “I feel very insulted; it made me kind of feels like a sex-machine”

When it happened, she continues “I had to ask my friends if I looked like a sex worker”. “I was severely affected – psychologically and sometimes traumatized,” she added

One boy, aged 18 shared a negative experience of how he had once been sexually harassed by another man and how his experience with the lesson gathered at the training has helped him understand how women and girls feel when harassed.

Another participant aged 19 spoke of her experience face-to-face with sexism. She explains, “Last youth year, I practiced and rehearsed to perfection to act the role of the president for a drama my school was to perform. But, I was discriminated against by being given the role of a secretary. The teacher said to me that ‘a woman can’t be a president’, he even went on to ask me if the president of Cameroon was a woman.”

“I was bittered about the choice, and the fact that I was deny simply because I was a woman not based on competence”, she added, “Whereas the boy who took the role couldn’t deliver compared to me. Everyone knew I was good at my role and if allowed to act the role of the president, I was going to deliver so well”.  

“In my village,” another attendee said, “Education is meant only for boys. They say because boys inherit, so let more privilege be given to a boy. After my first school, I was asked to go to the market and sell and hope for the day where a man will get married to me. My dad preferred to sponsor my male siblings to boarding schools; he will send girls to day schools.

“At first, in our house,” another said, “Boys wouldn’t cook. Cooking was meant for girls only. But gradually, I used my position as a senior sister, to bring balance in the kitchen. Now at home the boys do cook.”

After the first lecture seminar, participants were assigned to group tasks. Each group expected to brainstorm and seek solutions towards combating street harassments and sexual gender based violence on women and girls. Solutions proposed were: government must establish gender-sensitive mechanisms to effectively address gender based harassment and violence on women and other minority groups as a security issue.  Participants also suggested that “more public awareness, seminars and workshops to educate boys especially, who form a great number of the harassers, on the secondary effects of harassment on women and girls”. An exceptional suggestion from the boys group that “girls and women shouldn’t pay attention to what ever strange whistling, catcalling”, “sometimes, when we are ignored, we feel extremely sad and useless!” the boys said.

The next lecture seminar followed shortly after the break and the topic was on Dealing With Sexual Harassment in School in Just Seven Steps. The session was very interactive, and also had group works.

The last lecture seminar of the day was facilitated by Ms. Amshatu Verbe, a visual impaired educationist at the Government Teachers Training College, Buea, and her presentation was focused on self-esteem as an effective tool and weapon adolescents must have while addressing gender based violence (street and sexual harassment)

In culmination, participants expressed satisfaction and attainment of their expectations. Since the training, many have joined our WFAC page on the social media, through which we continue to engaged and share knowledge on weekly basic, on best ways to increase public awareness on gender based harassment, get boys involved as allies and above all gained  empowerment as advocates against Violent on Women and Girls.

Updates on this project can be found at: Women for a Change- Cameroon, or via Twitter @zofem.

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Filed Under: 16 days, SSH programs, street harassment

“I go home feeling that I am a nothing to them”

December 12, 2013 By Contributor

I am 16 and I have a part-time job after school. I get out in the early evening, but it’s dark by 4:30 p.m. in the winter, and I’ve had a few uncomfortable situations, but never scary. This particular day I left work I had barely walked two yards from the door when a man coming towards me stopped abruptly to block my path. “You’re gonna catch a cold missy!” he said. I thought he meant it like a caring adult to any kid, but then he added, “You’re ta-tas are hanging out.”

I became very aware that this man was standing purposefully in my way, commenting on my body and coming closer. I quickly walked around him and mumbled ‘okay’ and he said, “You sure you’re okay? miss?” I replied, “Yes, I’m fine thank you.”

I tried to walk away without looking back as he replied, “Yes you are fine…” and I stopped listening because I felt nauseous and I couldn’t tell if he was still following me. As I speed walked away I called two friends to possibly deter him from following me, neither answered. The third friend did and when I was sure I had lost the man I explained what happened and how afraid I was. She dryly replied, “You’ll get over it.” and changed the subject.

But I can’t. I can’t get over the looks and the car horns and unintelligible things called out of moving cars, or the groups of boys singing to me about my body, or the men leaning over to get a better look. I can’t get over it because I go home feeling that I am a nothing to them, and they’ll forget what they said but I won’t be able to shake the fear of seeing them again tomorrow.

– WM

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“I am afraid always”

December 11, 2013 By Contributor

One night after a dance class, I went to Walmart. As I left, I noticed a man walk into the store. He had ragged, torn jeans and muddy boots and was wearing a white tank top. It was pretty chilly outside. I was walking to my car, but I heard someone following me. I thought it was just someone else leaving, but I turned around to see that same man following me. I started walking faster. My heart was pounding and my hands were shaking nervously. I was afraid that he was going to grab me or attack me. He said “Gettin’ cold sweetheart?”

That was enough to make me burst into tears. I was scared to death. I replied “No, I’m fine.”

Then I practically ran to my car. It took me several tries to get the key into the door to unlock it since I was shaking. Once I got in, I drove home; probably 20 miles over the speed limit. I was hyperventilating. Scared to death. Since that night, I don’t go anywhere alone at night. I’m afraid to go pump gas into my car at night, I don’t go to Walmart late at night, and even during the daytime, I watch my surroundings constantly. That experience changed my life. I am afraid always, even if I am surrounded by friends or my boyfriend.

– Rachel B.

Location: Georgia

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Filed Under: Stories, street harassment

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